Advance of the snow

Stereopony - Overdrive

2012-01-30T01:37:00.000+08:00

First, I will admit that I'm a stalker. ^^ In a bid to find out more about my friend, I stalked her friends' blogs HAHA. (well, they were unlocked...) And I found out a lot more about them than I would have thought. O.O So I guess I'm not alone in feeling this way? o.o The depressed-y mood where you feel that you're worthless...

You know, when you tell other people that their self-degrading and derogatory comments are utter rubbish, do you really mean it? Or are you just saying it because well, you're supposed to? Are they themselves even saying it to sound humble? o.o So many things to ponder over. I really really do mean it about all the doors being shut when my A level results come out. o.o

When I say that I don't want to be hurt any more, it means that I want to start protecting myself now. I used to do all sorts of things for my friends. I really willingly gave all I could, to the point that I started sacrificing (how I hate that word, actually) my own happiness to grant others'. Of course, my happiness is built on others', so in a way, I do actually earn it back. But still. Remember last year, when I said that I don't trust people any more? It's because I got hurt by them one too many times, even by my own family members. I admit that I'm someone who really needs attention. I need attention from other people. God (as a method in writing?), I even do silly things to get people's attention. Things like scratching myself (though I do it partly to relieve pain, ironically), making stupid depressed posts on my blog (though most of the time I really am upset)...just to see if anyone cares. And if one person, any one person in this whole wide world, does notice, then that's enough for me. =)

Today, I (childishly?) ignored someone. Later, I regretted it and apologised. We started to quarrel (I really, really don't like quarrelling.). Since it was my fault, and I didn't want the conflict to escalate further, I decided to call instead. We talked it over, clarified matters and cleared things up. I guess we're friends again. ^^ Are you happy that you're considered an important friend to me? Haha.

I'm someone who holds grudges, so if you offended me, I'm likely to be irritated/mad at you for a while (at least a day). I don't think there's anyone out there who will actually be worried that I'm mad at you (is there? o.o) but anyway, you really don't have to care about it. If I like you (and of course I like all of my friends), it'll blow over really soon, because I tend to forgive easily too. (which is how I get tricked over and over)

Anyway, I'm starting work tomorrow. Wish me good luck! =)

And then, I dunno if you still read my blog! (I wonder if you know who the you is referring to o.o). If you do read my blog, you'll know that I do go through kind of many ups and downs. I can be euphoric one post and emo the other. While I don't have the kind of determination you have, I...do do stuff too. I know it's wrong and I still do it. -.- It's supposed to be done secretly but I broadcasted it on my blog instead. -.- I'm a fail emo person. But anyway! Confessing it actually made me realise that people care, and helped me to figure out the real real real reason why I do this kind of thing (cos I crave attention and want to know that people care about me). So it's normal to feel inferior about yourself. I have a self-esteem problem too. I don't trust my own decisions (maybe I want to push the blame to others HAHA). I always think other people are better. But trust in our wise Marshy, who told me to love myself, and so I'll pass these wise words on to you too! Each person's idea of goodness is different. Just know that you have lots of it, and you'll be fine. You're perfect the way you are. =) Don't conform to society's warped ideals.

Unfortunately, I think I can't promise to stop hurting myself. I can cut down, definitely, but not stop completely. It's really a non-dangerous way to relieve stress, stress that would otherwise build up and cause me to explode. I've stopped thinking of committing suicide (the last time I thought it was during chu er...when the horrible incident happened). It's the only way I can get rid of pain, ironic though it might seem.

Is that why you do it too? Inflict pain on yourself even though you know it's wrong? Because you want to mask another pain?

I feel the same way.

Here's today's song! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSPSfgcqhk8&feature=related

MBLAQ - This is War

2012-01-20T01:14:00.001+08:00

Oh gosh in the previous post I was freaking out about A level results, and now I'm freaking out about my interview tomorrow. God someone please save me. =( I don't dare to tell too many about the fact that I have an interview tomorrow (no one reads my blog anyway so it's okay plus those who read already know about it) because I may not get it and it'll be embarrassing.

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Update (since it's today)! I screwed up my interview so I probably won't get in anyway. Competition is quite fierce. I'm quite upset and depressed about it so don't ask me about it okay. Thanks. =)

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LOL it's another day and I forgot about this draft so lemme finish it off. =) I actually cut off a whole three paragraphs off this draft post because...I was mistaken lol. =) So let's just end it here~

YAY ME GOING OUT WITH MARSHY TOMORROW! BWAHAHAHA. YAY~ =)

I'll put off registering for dance classes until I finalise my job (or no job lol). Me + dance = major disaster = falling down = breaking bones = ? I'll leave it up to your imagination. The last time I danced was during sabbats in J1 and I stupidly wore shorts plus the dance studio was cold so my legs kept cramping up lol. -.- Not a fun experience to say the least.

To all the people who love me AHHHH I LOVE YOU TOO * HUGS HUGS HUGS*. I think this is an after-effect from playing around with my brother too much. He spammed my whatsapp with 100 over messages -.- On the bright side I can really feel us getting closer recently (maybe from staying at home with each other so much) but ahhh I'm really happy~ I'm getting more and more distant from my older brother though...so it's nice to know that I still have a little brother. I'm trying to get used to the fact that my ob is dating and that one day he'll get married and maybe he'll move into his own home and I won't see him so much any more. Or if his wife moves in then...anyway same thing! He won't be so much of my brother any more; he'll be his wife's husband. =) Haha. But like my mum often reminds us, it's his wife who'll be with him until the end, not us, so they should be closer to each other. =) I'm getting used to that idea (despite the fact that I still strongly believe I won't marry anyone because I can't fanthom the thought of ever liking someone that much...Chloe-doey says it's just not time yet.).

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LOL now it's like Thursday and I still haven't posted up this ancient draft. -.- I'm a failure. haiz.

I realise that I've been focusing a lot about me. My whole blog is about me. Then today, I sort of discovered something that I completely didn't really know about (what I knew was the tip of the iceberg) and now I just feel really really guilty. =( I know life is not about me only, and although it may not seem so, I really do care about others (more than they care about me sometimes, in my opinion).

Anyway I've made a promise to myself to be more observant of others around me, and to take even better care of them. It hurts me too when they're hurting yourself (is this how Marshy and yun feel when I hurt myself? I wonder).

I know that people around me care about me. ^^ Yun didn't allow me to use degrading words during dinner and a certain someone (who ah -.-) kept disturbing me by stealing my bag and stuff when I was being quiet (I'm being nice and assuming that you were trying to entertain me rather than bully me okay). And for anyone who does care (lol; I'm not being sarcastic!), I realised today that I think I'm actually getting better. =) I haven't touched my badge in ages (or my toothpaste tube or anything sharp) and I haven't really broken down a lot lately. I guess Marshy's advice about loving myself is working. ^^ I'm kind of glad. =)

I don't know how to let others know that...I know. I know exactly how they feel. I've been through enough in my sheltered life, somehow. I fake a lot (but not to everyone, because I'm not strong enough to do that). And with what limited things I know, I'd really like to help others who felt the same way. >-<

Anyway, here's today's song! =) It's by MBLAQ, so Clairey-beary-sitting-on-a-fairy =) should like it, I think. =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bsiv1mo0HTQ

SNSD - Time Machine

2012-01-09T19:24:00.001+08:00

My house is like some quiet oppressed haunted house now omg. o.o I don't dare to talk to my parents...and my older brother isn't home yet. I can only talk to my yb...whom I honestly think did well, but apparently I'm the only one who thinks so. It's so scary. o.o Like I told Marshy and HM, if I don't get 4 As for my H2s...I'm not gonna go home after results are released. I'll hide somewhere until I get enough courage to go home. Omg.

And if I don't get off the computer soon I bet she'll turn on me next eeks.

So here's today's song and I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money from this! It may be SNSD again but it's Japanese this time and although I don't really know what they're singing about (my lack of knowledge of the language I guess), it's still a pretty song and they sang quite well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xw0foIiqBBM

Let's continue now...

If someone asks for your help (well, even if you offered it) and you do actually help, then that someone should thank you right. -.- Hmph.

I'm really very scared now. It's in two months, but I'm still very scared. Haiz.

SNSD - Diamond

2012-01-06T21:32:00.000+08:00

hey =) it's been a long time since I've blogged...last year, practically o.o lol.

It's only been five days into the new year but I'm already going nuts (and not in a good way). I thought 2012 would/might get off to a good start, as indicated by the end of 2011 whereby there were actually some rather pleasant surprises. But I guess everything bad in 2011 just kept accumulating...and became too much to bear in 2012. Like I told Marshy, I spent the first night of 2012 locked in my own room (I locked myself in haha) crying. It's not something I'm proud of (I'm not posting it here just so that people will know about it and pity me); I'm just saying it because it's a fact.

With Marshy's advice (to learn to love myself more) and the random solo trips I've been taking (window-shopping and buying small stuff), I've sort of let off more steam and de-stressed a little. A little. I might need at least 5 trips a week to keep my mental mood in check. Argh. And with adult fare, this is becoming quite pricey. =(

I realise that in order to protect myself, I've become more annoying (because people annoy me). Omg. I hope I don't become like them. That would be terrible.

I'm saying this way in advance, but when our A level results come out, don't ask me what I got, okay? I'll tell you...eventually, when I get enough courage to, because I know they won't be good. (Don't ask me how I know - it's obvious that I won't do well when I screwed up the papers.)

I dunno. If I really don't do well at all...(less than 3As)...let's leave it at that. I'm not sure if I have enough courage (I really think it's courage though some people would rather term it as foolishness) to do something silly, seeing as how I'm too scared to even cut myself.

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It's another day! =)

Today...I had fun with N, Chloe-doey and HM... =) haha =) thanks for towing me around and helping me to not fall...the number of close (ice) shaves I had >-< and near heart-attacks...haha =) Sorry I made the outing end early >-<

I had a very long (the whole day!) SMS convo with a friend....I think it's the first time we've smsed each other so long in a row (60 plus messages). Sometimes we don't even sms at all...and sometimes we reply once a day lol. =) I guess it's an indication that our friendship is still going strong? I'm kinda glad about that. =)

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AND it's ANOTHER day LOL.

Marshy says I haven't been blogging so I rustled up a song so that I can post this.

I slacked around today and ate fast food for lunch AGAIN =( (mum bought back). I'm really gonna turn into a fat piggy (and Marshy would say sow -.-).

Talked to Claire-bear today! =) <3 <3 <3

I feel like going out tomorrow~ I suppose you can tell that I'm in a relatively good mood today. =) I'm happy about that too. It's hard not to get emo.

Here's today's song! =) A bright and happy-ish song! =) I'll fix the tagboard too once I've posted.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNrsJzsN6hg

Kalafina - intermezzo

2011-12-14T23:29:00.001+08:00

It's quite fun to read my old blog. o.o I realised that the immature part I was talking about was when I was in primary school...I was obviously very immature then, literally and figuratively. I found out a lot of other things too, like how I was so close to a particular CCA friend in secondary school that I let her freely post on my blog o.o And how I mentioned a friend quite often (in a way, he's like the current friend I mention rather often now, ironically) back then...now we're just happy strangers/acquaintances. If things keep up, the current friend and I will soon become happy strangers too LOL...though there are signs that it may not happen, since when we met at prom, we still had some rubbish to talk about (at least I did...and he joked around, so it might be okay). Omg marshy chloe yun hui may (in no order of importance though marshy you know i love you lots oh and chloe too...and hm and yun I suppose haha!) and claire-bear and all of my other beloved friends let's not become happy strangers okay?! I won't allow it!

Oh I've talked about that kind of friendship before with my 'brother'...J I think! It was you right! Yes I'm quite sure it is. Teehee. I suppose the ultimate determining factor is how important that friendship is to you. If it's important, I guess you'll keep it going no matter what you have to do. If it's not so important, you'll probably let it sink and fade. Then again, each side has different opinions. Like A may think B is an important, beloved, treasured, priceless friend, while B may just find A to be any ordinary friend. So while A may do his/her best to upkeep everything, B's not gonna bother at all. This is an example of an extreme case. Bleh. Why am I thinking about this, really? Lol.

I suddenly decided it was time to think about uni admissions so I checked out NUS' website and bugged my ob for info (ob = older brother, yb = younger brother if I ever mention it). NUS' applications start 3 days after A level results are out.

My mum just yelled at me to clean up my room...stuff keeps accumulating because my yb (aha) refuses to take any of my old stuff and my ob just keeps dumping stuff on me. Since my room's the smallest, it naturally looks the messiest and most packed. Tadah! It becomes my fault again. Fine, since everything's my fault, I've reconsidered my initial decision. I wanted to stay at home tomorrow, actually. Just because you yelled at me, I'm going to disappear tomorrow. I've given you ample hints and warnings already anyway. What you do after I'm gone is none of my business. I need some time alone - some time to regain my self-esteem and find my self-worth. I'm not going to be reduced to a pile of trash just because of your remarks. I refuse to be.

I actually wrote a huge chunk about my past here...but deleted it because I think it's too personal to be put online. I'll tell you about it someday. =)

And with that, I'll end my entry with the usual song. I don't own the copyrights to this song, and neither ma I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! Ooh I just found out that I posted a piano cover of this before...but now it's live! =)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jb_WrCO42k

INFINITE Sunggyu - Because (Piano Version)

2011-12-13T16:47:00.002+08:00

prom is over~ o.o

Marshy said she was glad she went to prom with me...I asked her what if I wasn't glad that I went...lol. But anyway...although it was really boring (you have to admit that it was!), I'm glad that I chose to sit at Marshy's table and had lots of fun with QL by being fussy eaters (heheheh). I just wish we'd taken more photos. Heheh. =) And I kind of regret not bringing my camera! Oh well.

I keep smelling the icky stink of makeup even though I'm quite sure I've removed most of it. =( It's like how I kept smelling smoke even after I'd bathed after chalet. Hmm.

I socialised...quite a bit. And it was nice to see people whom I haven't seen in a long time...and see how many of them dyed their hair O.O I think more guys dyed their hair than girls...is it a kind of rebellion against NS? Haha. =) So many...blond-ish people last night...lol. Since as someone told me, they'll leave it dyed as all their hair will get shaved off anyway o.o

And now it's morning and I'm awake and sore throat-ish. =(

Okay now it's afternoon and I wrote the post last night (okay, early morning today) and I still haven't posted it up. I think the only people who read my blog are Marshy and Yun, and sometimes Claire-bear haha. =)

Marshy said that her mum said that I was pretty...someone else said that I was pretty too (indirectly lol)...then I started wondering if it's just the makeup o.o Haha. Dunno! I really don't like the smell of it and taking it off is hard...I think I'll stick to powder foundation rather than liquid even though it apparently provides better coverage and whatnot. And maybe it's contacts! Though they're a pain too (QL would agree). But since I already have a pair of contacts and I think I'm getting better at sticking them in my eyes and taking them off, I might wear them more often. =)

I'm listening to so many pretty piano versions of songs on Youtube...I miss my piano~ will it be repaired soon? =( sigh.

I think I'll post up one of the pretty piano versions...heheh. =)

I guess I will sort of miss those people who fly overseas (Marshy? Will you? =( Yun too right? And all the other thirteeners who aren't staying in SG...). Will you still remember us? Will you still talk to us as often? Will we still have that place in your heart? More importantly, you'll come back, right? These are some questions I ponder over sometimes.

People send mixed signals (I do too...though I think I'm fairly obvious most of the time). So I shall set up the general cheryl's code of conduct and how to interpret my current feelings through SMSes and instant messages! =) This is so egoistic but who cares! =)

If there are no forms of emoticons in the smses or IMs I send you (unless you are really close friends whom I sms lots e.g. marshy, hm, chloe, claire, yun etc.) you should get a hint that I'm not exactly in a good mood (either I don't want to continue this sms conversation or that I'm irritated with you).
Short smses and IMs are hints too! If they cut straight to the point you should be on red alert because I love to beat around the bush.
If I declare my love for you through smses randomly it usually means I'm feeling touched or down...haha! I think marshy and chloe-doey experience this the most.
Umm...oh and I type fast. And I like/love to spam. Being spammed means I like you lots. =) I do it to most close friends and family members at some point or the other, unless I know that you don't like being spammed.
I lie a lot during such messages. =) Heh. I bet you do too.

Okay! Time for song. =) I didn't really like this song at first but it kind of grew on me and the piano version is pretty so here goes! =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PnXDPkNKNo&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

I suddenly feel kinda philosophical and upset so I'll just blog a bit. A bit! I'll have to go bathe soon. I wonder if it's because Marshy's flying away or if it's because my game on my 3DS is ending...but really! Everything is ending. Everyone's flying away and everyone's leaving me behind. My family keeps making fun of me not being independent and they keep picking on me. I want to fly away and disappear too. I want to see if they care then.

I'm flying at 1am next Monday...I'll keep my phone turned on for as long as possible...if you do care, or if you're flying before then, can you send me a message somehow? This is all so silly and childish. Maybe I should really grow up and get a life (figuratively speaking).

I have no aim, no goal, no future. I'm struggling to live in the present. Whoopee. Welcome to my world.

I'm having crazy mood swings (realised when I compared the earlier half of the post to this half)...and no it's not cos of hormones. -.-

And yun if you do read this don't worry...I think I'll get over it soon. I hope. =)

Oh and I read the first few entries of my old blog...I don't remember winning first place in a Chinese composition contest, of all things. o.O and I was really immature. Sigh! I think I've grown up much more now, but my family still thinks I'm immature. Then again, what do they know? I'm hiding so many secrets from them. The cutting/scratching thing...my suicidal thoughts... My family makes me believe that there's no one out there who really cares about me except them. But it's not true right? It's not true right? Please tell me it's not true.

Kara no Kyoukai OST 2 - #13 M13

2011-12-08T00:24:00.001+08:00

AHHH MARSHY just kind of hinted me why he might have acted that way...(the friend mentioned in my previous post)...cos of my messenger pm which I completely forgot about (oh man! oh woman! oh boy! oh girl! oh baby!). It wasn't um directed at him (not really anyway) but he might have felt that way. Oh shoot. When I was feeling upset and all (as I am prone to doing) I tend to write rubbish that gets me into trouble.

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It's another day HAHA. I have no idea how many days later.

I'm really really really regretting going to prom because omgzz how much money have I wasted on prom??? >-< Also, it's very stressful cos I think it's only worth spending all this money on me if I actually do do well for As which I might not considering how much I screwed up bio (paper 1 and 2 OMG) and econs (OMG ONE WHOLE CASE STUDY and HALF AN ESSAY) so I may not even get 3 As and a B like what my brother got (OMGGG THEN WHERE WILL I GO!!!) and I seriously think my parents will kill me for wasting so much money and NOT doing well (OMGGGG). I feel terribly guilty OMG. ARGH.

And I was too lazy to put eye drops before I removed my contacts and I think my eyes were too dry...so I couldn't get the right contact out for a long while and after multiple tries when I finally did get it out my right eye turned super red...wonder if it's better now...

OMG SOMEONE KILL ME NOW.

I don't own the copyrights to this song, and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! I think I actually posted something similar to this before...and I actually played this on the piano before o.o something similar. But it's so pretty anyway so who cares! =)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nt47pHtq66U&feature=related

INFINITE - 하얀고백 Lately

2011-12-06T22:53:00.001+08:00

I think I'm trying hard. I'm trying really hard but nothing wants to go my way. And I'm so angry at myself. So very angry.

My mum yelled at me while she was parking the car today...she asked my yb and I to keep a lookout for her while she parked, but I didn't even know which parking lot she was aiming for so I asked, and at the same time my yb started saying something about the xbox controller...although it wasn't me who was talking about the irrelevant stuff she scolded me instead...she didn't even say "Cheryl!", she shouted at me using my full name, something I really don't like, and said I was noisy when it wasn't even me who was saying stupid things, it was my brother. I started crying at the back of the car...I told myself not to cry, not to make any sound; I bit my tongue as hard as I could but the tears were literally welling up in my eyes already so I just scrubbed at my eyes quickly to rub away the tears and she saw. She kind of apologised to me after that, and that's the part I'm sorta pissed about, because I couldn't find it in myself to forgive her immediately. I couldn't forgive her for always blaming me when it's not my fault, for choosing my brother over me no matter how hard I tried to please her. I really couldn't. Like I said before, I'm a very possessive person. I need to be number 1 on everyone's list. I grew up knowing that I wasn't either of my parents' preferred child, so I tried hard to wrestle that place from my brothers (rather unsuccessfully). I'm usually grateful even for a little attention from them (spontaneous attention that doesn't require me bugging them before they grant it to me), and my mum seriously never apologises (even when she quarrels with my dad he always has to apologise first), so it's like a big thing for her, and I couldn't, I just couldn't forgive her (I did about an hour later though). I hate myself for that - for not being the kind of person I've always wanted to be.

I decided to start an online convo with a friend last night cos we hadn't talked in about a month I think...and the first thing he said to me after we had exchanged the usual "hello"s and "how are you"s was that he hadn't forgotten about replying the graduation note I gave him and that hopefully I was going to prom so that he could pass it to me then. I was kind of surprised that he actually did remember, and I know he didn't do it intentionally and probably just wanted to let me know that he did intend to keep his promise, but I felt kind of guilty reading his message cos it seemed as though I was the kind of person who really just demands stuff from people...(disclaimer: I did tell him over and over that he didn't need to reply) I dunno.

And then now Marshy has her new iPhone and is obviously very excited over it, but I can't feel the same sense of glee because she's ignoring me cos of it...so this part is dedicated to Marshy...I'm sorry I'm being a spoilsport. =( I'm really happy that you have a new phone - really! Just...don't forget about me okay? I dunno what I'll do if you do. (It's not a threat...it's a genuine thought.)

Oh my this is another very depressing post. I'm so sorry. =( I confessed about self-harm in the post before this, and then I had a nice normal post, and now it's back to gloomy ones. =( I am really, really sorry. =(

I cried a whole lot while typing this post LOL...am gonna have red eyes tomorrow when I wake up...how will I be able to try my contacts on >-< sigh.

I want a hug, and a shoulder to cry on...because it hurts so much. Everything does. I won't commit suicide though...it's a crime.

We should end this off on a light note, so I'm linking INFINITE's christmas song =) which Claire-bear like too heheh. =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZu3fRDrK5c&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

Kara no Kyoukai OST - Kimi ga Hikari ni Kaete Yuku (Into the Light)

2011-12-05T21:50:00.001+08:00

Marshy asked me why I haven't blogged, so I'm blogging now!

Yesterday was class chalet. Teehee super fun! We barbecued in the storm complete with lightning and thunder like some crazy people~ o.O But everyone worked together and it was like OBS all over again...anyway it was fun. =) And somehow I don't think anyone of us got food poisoning! So that's good. =)

Mm. I don't know what to write. =( My mum is having more fun shopping for dresses than I am...LOL. Pling said it's cos I'm the only girl. Maybe? I dunno. Teehee. Perhaps. I don't think she has as much fun shopping for Gundams with my younger brother.

Oh...I remember telling my mum in the car that I regret deciding to go to prom because firstly, the total costs are amounting up to hundreds (omg.) and secondly, the amount of time you spend preparing is like !!! and it's all for one night! ONE NIGHT where you just try to show off to as many of your peers as possible how rich you are and how nice you look with make-up on. It's seriously a battle of pride. Well, it would be fun if it was like graces and when we were surrounded by friends but this time it's...different. I wouldn't say that I don't have friends going to prom (though not many) but it's really a different atmosphere. Then I wonder to myself: what's my intention in going for prom? Is it as innocent as Marshy's (to have a good ending) or is it something more devious (oooh) like trying to show certain people that I am indeed pretty (I have no idea how this will happen though) and they were wrong in only judging people by appearance and for treating me like the invisible person (I bear grudges. LOL.). Hmm. I think it's more of the latter! =) But then again, why bother measuring up to their ideas of what's pretty? I would have to wear some minidress and maybe four-inch heels -.- that would just be...I leave it up to your imagination. Ew. HAHA. I am not implying anything here, just so you know. =) Everything that goes on my blog is just my personal opinion on various matters.

Yay I'm going to go out with secondary school friends (actually I've played with them during chalet already heheh), primary school friends (whoo! like HM, though again we've gone out already) and kindergarten friends this month! =) So FUN. I wonder if we'll have anything to talk to each other about though...

I think I've actually linked this song before, but this is kind of like the instrumental version and the song itself is so pretty that I'm sure you won't mind me linking this version, right? =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-nkCFC3Qli0

BabySoul 남보다못한사이(Stranger) Feat.휘성

2011-11-23T22:28:00.001+08:00

H3 was very berry terrible, but let's not talk about that. =)

I think Woolliment is brimming with talent (haha)! There's INFINITE and now there's BabySoul, and her debut song is really nice. =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4OUt56aCiA&feature=channel_video_title

I don't know how to read the title so I just copied and pasted the whole thing. Heehee.

Mm. Okay. I'm nearly at the end of my torture. I'm quite proud that I survived it, because, to be honest, my mental strength has been waning recently. Of course there have been times that were terrible, and times that were happy, times when I was glad for all the support everyone gave me (ooh I'm rhyming~) (like today, I got a lot of well-wishes today and I just read yun's comment which kind of made me cry =( yunn you're ebil). Two more. I can do it. I can survive two more papers, and I will survive next March when the results come back. They'd better have an AED on-hand in case I get a heart attack before the results are returned lol.

It's not that I don't know people care about me. I know it all too well. I just don't know why it's never enough for me. It's like I can see what they do for others, but not for me. I suck. I know that too.

Okayes. I end here. Guest, where did you go? =( Yun I love you lots. =) I wanna sleep with YUNNN (during class chalet HAHA). And Marshy!!! =)

U-KISS - Take Me Away

2011-11-12T21:02:00.001+08:00

I kind of made a promise to myself not to talk bad about any of my family members on my blog, and so far, I've managed to keep it, but I think I really can't hold it in much longer. I'm a bad person, really. But all people have feelings, plus I'm a particularly sensitive person, so forgive me, okay? >-<

While I was actually thinking of how to phrase this, I laughed to myself when I thought of a bio analogy. I'm not the final electron acceptor; I'm not oxygen (lol). It really suits this situation though. I've always been the person whom she rants at when she needs to let off steam. It's not even as if she badmouths other people in front of me. That I can accept. No, nuh-uh, it's not that simple at all. If she's pissed at anyone (usually one of my brothers if it's not me), then if I do ANYTHING, and I really mean ANYTHING, she can totally pick fault with me and TADAH she shouts at me and guess what? I'm the one who has done something wrong, not my brothers. I used to wonder if it was because she couldn't bear to scold them. I used to wonder if it was because I was a girl, if it was because I have the same surname as some relatives whom she doesn't get along well with (I pray they never read this), and so she pretends that I'm them and scolds me. I don't understand, really. I've done everything they've ever wanted me to do. When they were unhappy that my brother didn't go to a "branded" school after PSLE, I went to NY. I thought it'd make them happy. But they still loved him more. They never went to any of my parent-teacher meetings; they never bothered to find out how I was doing in school. In a sense I guess you could say it was because I never made them worry. I was always doing well. I worked hard so that they could be proud of me. It never really paid off. I had to whine and persuade my dad to come to my JC graduation ceremony before he actually did. My mum wouldn't, no matter how much I hinted or blatantly requested. I have to admit that I was hurt. Little things like these matter to me.

This year, after a particularly stressful period because of some problems with my CCA, I stopped using the ruler and toothpaste tube (heheh quite funny I know, but it's sharp at the edge so it works) to scratch myself on the wrists. I'll never cut myself because I'm really scared of knives, and scared that if I do one day try a blade, I might go too far off the edge. I want room to turn back, in case I change my mind. So I used the school badge, because it was reasonably sharp, and I wouldn't actually draw blood or anything because it's not that sharp. I succumbed quite a few times this year. She only saw once, and I didn't even lie. I just said that I'd scratched myself, and she left it at that. I was hoping she'd ask more. I wanted her to ask about it. I wanted to tell her why I'd done it, why I was so stressed, so hurt, so upset. I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I still had some pride left.

I think it was just a week or two ago that I scratched myself again - two long, red lines. As usual, I wanted her to ask. I wanted her to see. I wanted her to know that she'd hurt me badly (emotionally). I wanted her to know that someday, I'll break too. I wanted her to know so very much. She never saw.

There was a newspaper report on cutting the very next day. I was so afraid that she'd draw links to it, especially since the lines were still visible. They're hidden by my watch strap in school, so none of my classmates or schoolmates ever saw. Besides, I'm known for being clumsy, so I could always lie to cover it up. She didn't say anything. Interestingly enough, a previous newspaper report last year, which was meant to raise awareness of cutting and to warn against its dangers actually made me decide to try it out (though mine is obviously a milder version). This year's report wasn't very accurate; at least, it didn't apply to my case. The first one did though. I do it to relieve pain - to feel pain somewhere else where I could actually know why I felt pain, to feel pain somewhere else other than in my heart. You're not supposed to actually have heartache, and one of my secondary school classmates mentioned this when my teacher raised the issue in class. Then he told her that she'd never been hurt badly enough to feel it, and that it could actually exist. I was about to laugh then. Even when I was 14, I'd already felt it before. I was envious of the classmate who hadn't experienced it.

I kind of feel better after spilling everything out here. I don't know what you'll make of me after you read this. I'm still the same person, ultimately. Yes, I'm easily depressed. Yes, I'm emotional. Yes, I've admitted it before - I'm highly possessive. I'm an attention whore (despite my dislike of that word). If you want to stop being friends with me, I guess I'm fine with it. Some of you probably will stop contacting me after reading this, and I think I'll understand. Who wants to be friends with a psycho anyway? I might murder you in your sleep (not likely, actually).

I suppose the song is rather fitting. =) One smiley face throughout the entire post.

I don't own the copyrights to this song, and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hR_TgDijz4

INFINITE - Tic Toc

2011-10-29T01:00:00.001+08:00

J thinks I'm not angsty...Marshy knows otherwise. I think I emo more than angst, though. Is angst even a verb? I'm too lazy to check. =) Anyway, I do so not so much because I'm the middle child, but more of because I'm seen as the useless girl-kid. I wonder if things would be different if I had been a boy. Let's not go there anyway.

I wrote that paragraph on Thursday haha. I seem to be starting posts and not continuing.

This will be a short one 'cos I'm really gonna try mugging seriously now, no matter how late it is. Better late than never, I guess? I have one week to save myself. Time to defeat the impossible. Bwahaha. What on earth am I talking about?

I don't know how many times I've cried because I'm so tired and just wanna go to sleep but I know that I have to stay awake to study (though whether I actually study is a totally different thing). Maybe I'm going crazy.

I burnt myself today (it's really minor, just some redness that's faded by now) while bathing...I dropped the showerhead thingy or whatever you call it, and water happened to get into my eyes just as I tried to catch it and I ended up grabbing the hot water part of the tap (which was really quite hot by the way 'cos I forgot to turn off the heater) and then I went ow ow ow o.o doesn't hurt now but it really did then. I ran it under cold water. ^^

Today's song is...nice. =) And it's sort of apt, the title, since we are running out of time.

I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting earn/earning any money by doing this. It's just the first song, by the way; couldn't find a video of just the first song by itself (unless it's the mp3 track, but isn't it much more fun to see songs performed live?).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VphLV6JZGOY

AKB48 - Beginner

2011-10-21T21:40:00.002+08:00

I am going to post instead of doing my work okay? =) Because there's so very much on my space-scarce mind...

To say that I'm tired would be an understatement. I guess I really am exhausted, both mentally and physically. And on a random note, I think the best way to understand me and to learn more about me would be to read my blog, which strangely enough, a lot of my close friends don't do. O_O haha! I think if you do read it, you will understand that I am slightly bipolar and schizophrenic and obviously have some kind of undiagnosed mental disorder. =)

I'm graduating from JC on Thursday...o.o Time flies by so very fast. I got something special from someone very special today (*cough* marshy *cough*) and I read the letter! I'll tell you how I responded in the reply letter! =) haha. Let's keep this a little secret between the the two of us. =)

I feel guilty about something! But I can't admit it here because it'll cause misunderstandings, so I'll keep it quiet to myself. Anyway, it's about how I behave different in smses and in real life. =) I think the person was a bit offended today. I'm sorry. =( I tend to be a bit too defensive in reality so I act a bit dao-ish, but it's not really true...I'm not that kind of person. But since you know me, you should know that already too right? =) I'm very, very protective (and possessive LOL) of my friends. Marshy should know that.

SIGH now the guilt of not doing my homework is gnawing at me. Lemme stop here for now! =) Lots more notes to write~ and a lot of mugging.
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OHO I'm finally continuing this post AFTER I've graduated. -.-

I read a classmate's note about how he didn't understand how come our class split apart. To be honest, I've thought about it a lot too. It's probably because we're all selfish (including me). We want to be with our friends. We want to have new friends, but we don't want to take the first step out. If it wasn't for J who first approached me and made friends with me (thus we are like best classmate friends/best friends in class?), I'm pretty sure I might have ended up a loner. And on this count, I can honestly swear that I did try to reach out, but perhaps we were are a bit wary of each other then. Whatever it is, he's kind of right. 2 years are already over. It's obvious that we didn't make the best out of these 2 years, but let's not let any personal grudges (and I honestly do think there are) drag on... =) So let's stop ignoring each other okay? You don't know how much I envy other classes when I see them all so close to each other.

Then again, there are hypocrites. In fact, my school is filled with them (I don't count myself out). Somehow or the other, everyone has backstabbed each other at least once, for their own benefit. I guess that's life. And then there are always those who think they're right, when they're actually not (even factually incorrect sometimes), but yet always insist on doing things their way. When it comes to suffering, they're not the only ones who suffer. I wish they'd think about that.

Linking back to me, 'cos someone called egoistical (WHO ah, I wonder) so I should live up to that adjective, I used to wonder if it was because of me. Maybe I'm too irritating, too aloof, too quiet, too bossy...then I try to comfort myself (because if there's one thing I absolutely cannot stand, it's criticism, and flaws; while I know it's not possible to be perfect, I want to at least get a little closer to that elusive goal) by thinking of all the other groups of people who are willing to be with me: thirteeners, exco (love you all~), science council, other friends etc., and then I think, aha, I must have done something right somewhere. Why didn't I manage to do that for my class? I don't know. Haiz. Maybe I should have tried harder.

I hope you all still love me even after you've read my confessions in the separate notes you've received...I'm so sorry I didn't manage to write for everyone =( I was really tired and sleepy but if you want one (haha! and really, don't be shy) demand it from me and I'll get it to you asap somehow, complete with lollipop~ There are two people who got slightly different letters (and you should both know who you are if you compared notes with the others, which I hope you didn't, because they're meant to be personal!), thank you both so very very very very very much for making an enormous positive difference in my life this year. I'm really, really grateful to both of you for keeping me sane and happy and all cheryl-ish. As I've admitted to Marshy before, there are things that I do (kind of self-harm-ish, but not really since there's never been blood) when I'm upset, but talking to both of you have sort of helped me to calm down without having to do that, and for that, thank you. ^^

Some people don't understand why I spend time writing notes to those who are important to me...I guess it's because this year taught me not to take them for granted. I've been trying to keep ALL of the promises I've made, and it's been really hard. I did break some, but I think I kept most; more than the number that people have made to me and never fulfilled. Of course, being the pessimistic person I am (I can't believe that I used to be optimistic...) I didn't expect them to be fulfilled either. I don't know if anyone can ever help me get over the fear of being betrayed. I can't trust anyone any more. JC ruined my trust in others. I know I mentioned earlier that I trust people blindly, but there's always this niggling fear that, well, I'll be betrayed. I trust while preparing myself for betrayal; to be sold out. It's disgusting, the feeling.

Last but not least, I have 2 chipmunk photos of myself HAHA. Marshy says I should put them as my wallpaper but that's so ego-y so I won't do it. If you ask to see I might show you. If not, I'll delete them. Teeheehee!

Here's today's song! I think it's amazing that so many of them can dance without crashing into each other, and quite in sync as well. =)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDn_EK7VRwQ&feature=relmfu

Kalafina - Sandpiper

2011-10-15T00:06:00.001+08:00

I think I've fallen sick more times in one year of JC than in four years in NY. There are a couple of reasons. Firstly, JC has a larger population size, so germs per capita is higher and thus I fall sick more often. Secondly, JC is dirtier than NY (this seems likely). Thirdly, my immune system crashed and died. I don't know.

ANYWAY (left way right way wrong way highway) the theme of today's post is CHANGES. I see everyone's graduation photos on FB...mine (ours?) is next week...and then Marshy's comment about how people's handwriting and personality have changed, which inspired me to write this! You ought to reflect too! Have you changed? I bet you have! (You = general reader)

Okaaay, so how have I changed? There's always a thesis and anti-thesis (ECONS!). I'm not going to bother clarifying the keyword 'change'; you can do it yourself. =) So there's the thesis: I have changed vs the anti-thesis: I have not changed.

THESIS:

Well, appearance-wise, I've obviously changed. My hair is like shoulder-length now, I have a fringe, I rebonded my hair twice (hahahahahaha) and I put on a lot of weight! And grew taller by about 1.5cm? Or maybe just 1cm.

Personality-wise...I'm less comfortable around new people, I stick to close friends...though I am more outgoing (just a little more). I form stereotypes more easily and quicker than before. I trust in people too much, to the point that even the slightest lie (or harsh word) hurts me more than before (and yet, I don't give up trusting in them. Am I stupid?).

Oh and I'm less innocent now because I see acronyms everywhere and then I google them to find out what they stand for. Then I become less innocent. I need to go for brainwashing to clean my dirtied mind.

ANTI-THESIS:

I'm still the bouncy childish kid (see Marshy, I've admitted it). I use the same kind of 0.38 pens (haha!) and I still like to use nice foolscap to write on.

I'm still rather conservative and am often appalled at the kind of physical interactions (PDAs too!) that I see in school. And on TV! AND in public! Even if I know bad acronyms! Ew ew ew.

So I conclude that I've changed more than I've remained constant.

There are some good changes, like how absence makes the heart grow fonder and I'm super close to thirteeners now (closer than we were in NY) esp. Marshy and Chloe-doey... There are bad changes too...like how I lament the existence of JC every day and wish that I'd gone to a different one (though I'd certainly miss Marshy and Chloe-doey and many more).

When Marshy questioned the existence of life today, Joey-doey told her not to, and said that there isn't enough time to. See the problems of our current system?

I will stop here! Essays mustn't be too long or the very old readers (average age = 55) will get bored. =)

Here's today's link! I don't own the copyright to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WopflnzhFg

Kalafina - Kugatsu

2011-10-06T20:43:00.000+08:00

Their new album is out. =) That's why I've been able to link so many Kalafina songs here recently. I seem to be steering away from the happier ones. I wonder if it's because it doesn't suit my mood, or because I think their melancholic songs allow them to showcase their vocals much more. =)

I'm feeling a bit happier today, probably because I didn't fail chem haha. I was a bit worried about that for a while.

There's this strange feeling in my chest, kind of like how I can't seem to breathe in deeply properly (no I am not getting a heart attack -.-). It's just...there. It's like even though I'm still kind of upset over things, and I want to show that I'm upset, I'm so easily influenced by the happy environment around me (and well, the need to make other people smile and laugh) that I can't help being bouncy around them. The thing is, sometimes, I just feel like I'm acting that way. It's as if I'm pretending to be happy and all so that people will want to be around me; more importantly, so that I can stay near them (because people like me need other people in order to survive). Or maybe I'm not acting. I don't know. All I know is that I go home and wallow by myself.

(oh this is becoming a depressing post. wth.)

LALALALALA IT'S FRIDAY TOMORROW. =) even if we are getting back icky bio I am not gonna let it get in my way!

Sometimes I think I'm spending too much time caring for people who don't even care that much about me, and then ignoring those whom I should be devoting myself to instead (family, reaaaaaally close friends who start going nuts when I start going nuts too). So I'm going to reassign priorities! Someday. HAHA.

Anyway, here's today's link! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this. =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvUyWabUqoo&feature=related

Btw, has mysterious 'guest' really disappeared? If I mention you in every blogpost from now onwards, will you reappear? =D haha

Kalafina - Kotonoha

2011-10-05T23:31:00.003+08:00

I actually posted this on fb already but it's so pretty I shall put it here too. =) I wish they made a longer version of it though. =( It's so very pretty. =) Here's today's link, and I don't own the copyrights to this song, plus neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLEzOgqeXsU&feature=related

Hmm what is there to write about? I could go on forever and ever about my limitations...so let's not. Let's talk about my creepy nightmare instead. =)

I had a weird dream whereby we got back our maths paper I got 16/100 and my teacher wrote something like "what happened? why did you do so badly?" and even within my own dream I was pretty stunned at my own...lousy results. It was written on this pink piece of paper and the worst part was that it was actually believable; it didn't even seem wrong or possible that it was a dream. After that I just suddenly sat up, really wide awake, and couldn't go back to sleep.
____________________________________________

(the above was written quite a while ago)

Anyway I did get back my math results today, and as expected I didn't do well (quite badly, in fact). Maybe my teacher finally realised that I was having problems with my math because she finally dumped me in those intensive remedial sessions (I think it's a bit late; I was having problems all the while just that I fluctuated so much she thought that I was being lazy when I didn't do well) and the unfortunate part is that I'm the only girl from my class. Hmph. =( Never mind...

I didn't do too well for H3 either. I think the fact that I didn't talk about it would sort of signal that I don't want to talk about it, so don't ask, okay? =) Thanks.

Today's post shall be on...pity? There are always sentences in books and dramas that say, "I don't need your pity" and I never really understood why until yesterday, I think. It's not that I don't appreciate all the good wishes and encouragement and care that you guys give me (it's really not that) but I guess the feeling of having disappointed everyone, and maybe more important, yourself, really kind of overrides that. The little messages to say "awww it's okay don't worry" become something like "i told you so" and "i knew it but i didn't want to tell you cos you'd be sad" and they really, really, really make me feel like tearing my hair out or bashing my head against the wall or something to that extent. I have enough guilt already. I know what I want to do next. I'm trying to get over it. Those little feng1 liang2 words are just...argh. Haha. I think it's my mental problem so don't worry about it. And I still love you all. =) You haven't done anything wrong, really. It's probably all just me.

I don't know wth (it's not hell btw, the 'h') is going on with me but I feel like I'm about to spontaneously combust. I did study and I did work hard but nothing's improved. I'm getting "fail" results day after day after day to the point that I'm completely numb. I can't even bring myself to congratulate friends who did well. EVERYONE gets on my nerves no matter what they do. It doesn't help that people seem to be ignoring me recently, thank you. -.-

Maybe you'd better keep a safe distance away from me for a while...I think I need some breathing space.

Kalafina - Symphonia

2011-10-01T17:00:00.003+08:00

Maybe today's should be a reflective post about my fear of my very nice Samsung Galaxy S (sadly not II, but it's still nice!) and the things that it lets me do. =)

For one, the whole SMS thing is awesome because it totally looks like a conversation and I can see all the previous smses in one thread. I can also spam =D people a lot faster now haha. I have 3G, so I can check my email and download stuff, which is supposed to increase my efficiency (and distract me, because there's something called Youtube and *ahem* there are distractions on youtube, of course, as Marshy would agree).

Anyway, because of this, people expect me to reply faster, do things faster and overall my entire pace of life has sped up so much I feel like crying whenever I check my email on my phone (so I avoid doing it now) because last time I didn't have to worry about stuff until I actually got home and had time to sit in front of the computer and go online, as compared to having to do things instantaneously with a smartphone in hand.

And well, with a phone, you tend to be more contactable and to contact people more often as well. So sometimes I send a quick sms and then abandon my phone and run away because I don't want to see the reply (HAHA)...After I actually get the reply, sometimes I read it over and over again and smile to myself happily (like my birthday smses) and then sometimes I just delete them quickly because I don't ever want to see them again. There are all kinds of responses.

Whatever it is, and to whoever who reads this, I really really really really really love you all okay? I'm the kind of person who needs other people to live on. I'm the kind who's always doubtful of what you say, the kind of person who can't take any criticism at all, the kind of person who just keeps crying all the time. At this point, I don't really know whether I'll grow stronger emotionally, but I'd like to return to my childhood times when I was more innocent, more naive, when I never even knew or noticed when I was backstabbed, and was all so eager to forgive those who had hurt me.

So I'll welcome all your smses, rubbish or not, with lots of love, and try not to hide from the phone that provides me with those comforting links to the people who I care about, and who care for me. It's an irrational fear to be afraid of a phone anyway. =) Especially when it's mine, and when I have nice music in it *cough cough*.

Awkward ending, but it's okay. I really do mean every word in this post though. =) Ohh and mysterious guest (are you marshy -.-) why did you stop tagging? =( HAHA. You're very welcome here as long as you tell me who you are so I can stop ti2 xin1 dan3 diao4-ing. (I'm too lazy to type in Chinese, sorry.)

Here's today's song! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! =) I'm being nice and embedding it for once. =)

INFINITE - Paradise

2011-09-28T00:51:00.002+08:00

It's raining outside...and because there are so many weird sounds I've decided to draw the curtains and stop looking out the window, remaining safely ensconced within the protection of my little (air-conditioned) room. =)

Listening to random songs...lala! I saw from a friend's fb post that Kalafina's coming to perform in Singapore (finally!) at the end of the year in the middle of As -.- I guess it's fate LOL. =( I feel quite sad. But anyway I mayn't go even if I could...so maybe it's a good thing that fate decided for the indecisive me.

Anyway happy belated birthday to my chloe-doey! =) We had fun today right? =) Haha. Sorry I was being sleepy and stuff =( I always seem to be sleepy recently, even when eating and queueing for food and standing on the MRT train.

Chloe-doey and HM look pretty in their white shirts...I just look weird in mine HAHA. Oh well. =)

And thenz...I have two new books to read and 19 maths questions to do in one day! That is so...wonderful! YAY. -.- Come to think of it, I should go dig out my GP compre paper but I have no idea where I left the insert lol. I only know that I screwed up GP.

Um. I had a lot of things to write but I forgot them all! O_O So I shall just wish my yb happy birthday here =) (it's his bday today) and then I'll post the song and go off and...bug marshy.

I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sj0FvZGSzCo

I think I listened to the song too much and got quite moody yesterday haha. =) But it's still a nice song. =) You can look up the english meaning of the lyrics by googling or something...then you'll see why it's rather depressing in a good-ish way.

FictionJuction - Epithalamion and Hanamori no Oka

2011-09-23T17:01:00.001+08:00

Teehee I'm trying the new blogger interface o.o and it's like mega different from the old one! So weird. Oh well! =)

AND an awesome part is that I can track views which basically equals NO MORE STALKERS HAHA. Now, 'fess up! Who's reading my blog using firefox! It's not me o.o I use chrome, and I use Android if I'm using my phone. It's the second highest page view count so...I wanna know who! Marshy uses Chrome. I've interrogated her. =) If you read my blog, you probably have my hp number since I'm quite free with it (and liberal when it comes to deleting numbers off too, as some of you might have heard/experienced), so you can secretly sms me and I promise I won't tell and you can continue reading my blog with my permission. =) [OHH I just realised YUNNN are you firefox o.o]

Today was maths. As usual, it was terrible. =) On the way home I was smsing Marshy who didn't wanna reply until like a long while later. Some of her smses got me thinking about why I'm so against marriage (but not against kids). If my mum ever reads my blog I'll be dead (and you'll know why), but maybe it's because she used to mention that if she had a choice, she wouldn't get married (maybe she's not being serious; still...) and so I grew up thinking more of the demerits rather than merits of marriage, though I'm conservative enough that I still think you should get married, then have kids, although I seem to want to go against this. Haha. Then again, I start worrying about how lousy my genes are (and they are) and how I shouldn't be so selfish to pass them on to my kids 'cos they'll have to suffer. Haha! I assume these are the bad points of being a bio student. There's more that I'd like to say, but I think I'll stop here.

To whomever who left the anonymous comment on my tagboard with regards to the previous post, (haha this is so egoistic but the fact that I have a blog and expect people to read it is egoistic in itself already), thank you!! =) Although I am um forced to disagree with your comment and strongly believe that you are only saying it out of goodwill, it still feels nice to be complimented. ^^ Are you the firefox person? Haha!

BUT (there are always buts) I don't really like the idea of unknown people reading my blog (as you can see, my train of thoughts usually crash, and then the carriages get put back in random order), so I might consider locking it and only allowing friends to view (which is a lot more troublesome). So...if you don't want me to lock it (for any reason and you being whoever who's out there - I can probably count you all on one hand! =)) let me know okay? It'll probably lead to me censoring more of my post. I don't really mind not locking my blog, since it's been up for so long already, but I just don't like the idea of unknown people reading it, especially as I've been leaking more personal stuff onto my blog recently.

I would like to post this up right now but there's no song, so you'll have to wait until later, when I dig one up to paste here. It's 3.24pm and I haven't studied for chem MCQ. whoopee. Bye bye me <3 you =)

_________________________

HAHA it's the next day I probably flunked my chem MCQ and I still haven't posted this.

Found a song =) I think Hanamori no Oka's nicer with Kaori though (the original main singer who was not present at the performance...)

I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this. =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zwIUv7Q7Jw

Heehee editing my post for the second or third time since the day hasn't ended and I'm in a pretty good mood after playing the whole day.

I could go on about my random epiphanies but let's touch on something closer to the heart today. =)

I don't really know when it happened, or how it happened (this sounds like some love confession and in a way it is, but isn't at the same time LOL) but I think (I really hope so!) that I've finally learnt how to treasure the people around me more. Although the way I express it may not yet be so very ideal, I do hope that you can see my random attempts to show that I do care...unfortunately this sort of treatments appears to be limited to certain people currently (Marshy do you feel it o.o) haha. I will do my very utmost best to try to expand it to other people as well.

Sometimes (haha I'll admit it here) I try to test people to see how important I am to them by not communicating with them at all, and I wait to see if they'll take the initiative to contact me first (apparently this did not happen with a particular someone -.-).

Okay gonna go play with Marshy, more later!

INFINITE - Be Mine

2011-08-31T23:34:00.002+08:00

GP was screwed up. So very devastatingly screwed up.

ANYWAY I had an epiphany okay! And I was really seriously thinking about it and elaborating on it in my brain, which seems to be failing me now, just as I failed to mug today omg.

It had something to do with looks and how they are indeed everything. I think I must have been lamenting over my lack of goodies in the physical department (oh this sounds so wrong; I assure you I am no pervert, even though I had a lot of fun with BB bear today HAHAHA okay this just made it worse) when I was trying to take a photo with BB bear, which failed, so I deleted the photo.

When you have good looks, people will definitely be attracted and tempted to have a second look, or a longer first look (no pun intended). Attractive people...well, attract people. Life is a lot easier for them because they already have all the attention they need. They can easily show off their inner qualities to a large, admiring audience, in contrast to people like me, who are pretty short-changed in the looks department. We have to work doubly hard to get people to look long enough to realise that we're actually good people underneath. This kind of bias and superficiality...is disgusting, sometimes.

I don't admit that I'm probably a hypocrite because I do like people who are not physically challenged, but rather, blessed physically. I mean, seriously, pretty faces do solve lots of problems. You're more forgiving of a pretty person than a not-so-pretty person.

To reduce this inequity, people like me...do our best to make up for it. Those who need to gain weight gain weight (this is some super rare minority though), and those who need to lose weight lose weight (this is more common. People like me need to lose weight.). New hairstyles, new clothes, so on and so forth. We try, but no matter how hard we try, we'll obviously never make it up to their level. Sometimes we try too hard, and we end up looking stupid.

If I had any moral to the end of my story, it would be to appreciate all people, pretty or not pretty, but HA this is highly impossible. So I'll conclude more realistically. Looks aren't everything. Like the pretty people, but don't dislike the others either.

I should leave you with a song...I really like INFINITE haha! This must be the first time I'm openly announcing that I like a boyband (cos of their dances okay -.-). After As I wanna go learn dance again...but not Chinese dance. The makeup is...O_O. =) No offence. I did Chinese dance for one year in p1 after all.

Here's today's song! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this. The link's to the dance version of the MV. =) OH and the title is not pervy okay. -.- go read the translation of the lyrics lol.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeuejYoRbps

Infinite (Woohyun) - 시간아 (Time)

2011-08-26T21:25:00.003+08:00

Marshy is being angsty on her blog because it's the last day of school...

I saw classes going around taking photos and groups of friends spamming photos too while my class was quite zen-ish...and somehow I didn't really feel anything. Maybe it's because our class is well-known for being rather divided, and I'm somewhat this invisible member of the class too. But after reading people's reflections and all, I decided, you know what? My class isn't that bad after all. =)

Sure we might be divided and we regularly irritate each other. Sure, I've blown up at some guys in my class before because they went overboard. Yet we've always been there for each other. We don't ignore each other when we address each other, we tell each other homework lists, we collect notes for each other and make sure everyone gets everything they need and stuff like that. We care for each other in small ways like that. So yeah, I thought I should make a dedication to my class on fb, whether they see it or not (I'm the invisible person, remember?).

I was really, really upset when I first met my class haha because there wasn't a single person I knew, and I felt really and completely abandoned. Unlike Marshy, who likes change, I'm someone who prefers routine stuff. The first few weeks were really quite terrible. Gradually things worked out though, especially after I became friends with Jo, Zee and JX. =) If I didn't have them in my class...who knows what might have happened. I'm already having episodes of mild depression as it is (I'm assuming it's depression. I don't really know what it is when you just curl up in a corner and cry for no reason.). Now that it's sort of like the end of JC, I'm glad that I survived through everything more or less intact (though with battle scars!) and came up with new friends and a somewhat new-ish personality, not that I particularly like it though.

Hmm this is quite a suitable song for the occasion, since it's a ballad! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! On a side note, hope you liked everything Hui May =) Happy birthday in advance!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYisie-tJA4

INFINITE - BTD (Before the Dawn)

2011-08-20T10:33:00.003+08:00

I have like a billion un-posted-posts which I might post one day, but not now. =) Sorry for not blogging for so long! =P I'll make it up by having a reaaaally long post today okay? =) I'll try! It's the thought that counts right? Though I'm not supposed to be the one saying it...

To say that I haven't been stressed recently would be an outright lie, but I'm really trying to cope with it and get better. It's like some recurring illness...or maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Life hasn't been nice to me recently either; I've failed like two tests in a row or something and I studied for both.

Chloe's early Christmas present always gives me hope though. =) I stare at it when I'm upset and remind myself that out there, someone cares about me, is worried about me and likes me enough to give me a present. That's the real reason why I like presents...at least I hope it is. I don't want to be some materialistic person.

Sometimes I really wonder if friendships can be maintained via sms...I doubt so. You never know if you're bugging the other party via sms, and since I'm always the first sender...I wouldn't know. When I got...frustrated (?) while on the receiving end of another person's sms and cut short the conversation by saying that I was going to bed (I'm admitting it here because I pray that this friend doesn't read my blog, and even if he/she does, that you know that I feel bad about it) and I really felt guilty for doing so, but I didn't feel like continuing the conversation last night. I don't like to be accused of things, and as the other friend would know, I don't take jokes made at my expense easily. I'm more likely to take offence. So...yeah. Let's change the type of conversation, okay? No more stupid debates. Types of nuts are okay, but that's about it. =) Then I'll happily reply to the smses. Thank you!

MARSHY-AH WHY CAN'T I FOCUS ON STUDYING =( I'll submit my IS to you this week! And you must promise to read it often. OFTEN! =) Okay? If not then I'll have to write my IS II and IS III or something. Maybe they'll have alien themes (and I don't mean like foreign themes, I really mean aliens like extraterrestrial) like those I wrote in sec 4.

Hmm before I forget let's just put in a song =) Haha! Kalafina and FictionJunction don't seem to be coming up with new songs, so here's a random one...if you watch the dance version it's really quite good =) Synchronised, that is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvNUilVWFDs

Can I end here? I'll see if I can be back. =) Love you all~

FictionJunction - Stone Cold

2011-07-17T22:25:00.004+08:00

I shall stop all the exam talk because it's making me feel super depressed, so yeah. =)

I kept my promise and visited Pling on Saturday =) Teehee so cool to see Pling volunteering =)

Shall reveal a little secret here...haha. =) I went with my parents to AMK hub today so that I could look for a nice dress to wear on my birthday...haha! =) Marshy used to say that when I start liking the opposite gender (I seriously think all guys are rubbish and I sincerely like girls more...maybe it's just my school guys who are crappy) I'll start liking dresses and stuff more, but it's now more self-fulfilling than anything not, more of like a wish to prove to myself that I can be pretty. o.O Oh well. In the end I found nice ones but didn't dare to try on lol. Maybe I'll try again before Saturday. After all, it's my 18th birthday, it should be special in some way.

No one knows what to get me for my birthday LOL. It's kind of amusing. My mum must be thinking hard. Last year, we threw like a big lunch party for my brother when he turned eighteen, and then he invited his friends over, they had lunch and then they ran off together to celebrate. Guess I might be doing something like that with Marshy this year, except that it's a nuclear family lunch (haha immediate family members only 'cos my mum doesn't want to have all the relatives over) at some restaurant, then going off to play with Marshy. I guess the wish of having a lot of people ask me out on my birthday to celebrate with me is not gonna come true. Oh well. =) Marshy's enough <3.

Listening to a lot of Kalafina and FictionJunction songs now...I think I'll always be impressed by them. Their vocals are really awesome. =) =) =) Sadly, they're quite underrated. =(

Sleepy, so I shall end here! I have a new way to revenge against people who make me angry. I'll just delete off their contacts. =) Did that to two people already.

Here's today's song! I do not own the copyrights to this song, nor am I earning/attempting to earn any money by doing this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NqXqqAYbyc

Jang Nara - 천애지아

2011-07-13T16:56:00.003+08:00

Marshy says that I haven't been blogging in a while (which is not true -.- to any extent) so yeah here I am with a useless post to fulfil my quota. -.-

Hmm! Chem BT2 Paper II is coming back tomorrow, and I am seriously not looking forward to it. At all. It's a good thing my H2 teacher doesn't really care much about me and my H3 teacher is really busy (though he does seem worried about my abysmal marks for Lecture Test 2) and I am avoiding the third chem teacher (I have 3 chemistry teachers -.- well, two actually, one is just kind of "extra", but uh he's apparently a nice guy and he is very, very passionate about chem; I just realised all 3 of my chem teachers are guys -.-) so life is still peaceful. My math improved, at any rate! Apparently our bio did terribly. I have no news of GP and econs except that zee did well (congrats! =)) and yup that makes up my 5 subjects considering that I got my well-deserved (I swear I deserve it) A for PW. And A2 for higher chinese from Sec 4.

I am falling sick and getting depressed for the nth time in goodness knows how many days. At this rate, I will be sick throughout my birthday week (whoopee) which I am actually not looking forward to. There are people whom I expect to remember (family, close friends, esp a certain leepy) and also people whom I hope will remember (and not because they happened to log onto fb and see the notification or something) but that's highly unlikely because to them I'm probably just some small fry in the big big sea of blue whales, sea bass, and giant killer squid.

Yun tells me not to worry and that I'll bounce back up but if I can't even get up from this depression period...haha. I'm not sure what will happen. Doesn't help that my friends who have mugged more and done much better than me keep playing during breaks (AHEM) so I've lost my inclination to mug as well. Plus I'm so sleepy during lessons because I refuse to sleep at night so that school will take a longer time to arrive and I can delay the collection of rubbish results (that's alliteration by the way).

Today was a scholarship fair...learnt that I'm quite interested in allied healthcare, because I probably won't kill anyone while being a therapist or something, which makes me feel much better. BUT there will be killing involved because my parents will kill me. They don't even want me to be a teacher -.- and my older brother spoiled the market by getting and accepting a place in law school -.-, which means that I have to do equally as well (aka either doctor or accountant or lawyer like him) or even better (I have no idea what). Naturally my younger brother is not worried at all. We've worked out his career path, at least. He'll grow up, steal my older brother's money and open a shop retailing Gundam model kits. Yay.

Here's today's song! =) It's from Dong Yi heheh. =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kmKbkPbG9E

Aoyama Thelma - Soba ni iru ne

2011-07-08T21:32:00.002+08:00

When something that you've always liked, and always understood, always taken for granted, turns its back on you and everything you've been relying on just crashes to the ground, leaving you all alone and defenceless...that would pretty sum up how I feel now. I'm not sure how many of you would understand...so I won't bother to talk about it much, since every time I do, I start crying, and it took me a lot of effort to not cry in front of my teacher already, so...yeah. I feel quite stupid for hiding in the toilet after that...felt like some stupid person in a show haha. I had tissue in my bag, luckily, and then I just tried not to make too much noise because my H3 classmates were in the toilet too. I think I did an okay job of hiding it. But it was...painful? It really hurt that when I needed someone beside me, someone who would just hold me and support me without asking what happened, I could only hide in the safety of the cubicle and do my best to cry without making any sound.

I dropped by to buy some stationery after that...it was like my way of cheering myself up, but the whole process was so numb that it was practically useless. I was like some kind of stone statue on the bus lol.

Now that I'm a couple of hours older, I think it was rather childish of me to behave that way...it's obvious that I got complacent, but for everything to happen so suddenly, just as I was being a bit depressed (for no reason) and upset and stressed, made it all seem like some really terrible tragedy.

I went to read through my old blog posts and realised that I actually felt the same way when I got 1/15 for my maths quiz (there, I've admitted it; I actually thought I got 0 at the time because I didn't look at the paper properly), but this time, it's chem, which made me feel a whole lot worse because I really like chemistry, and everyone improved while I just...dropped like a bungee jumper with a broken cord.

Reflecting on the whole experience taught me that I really treasure chem more than any other subject, and that I really want to do well in it, so I'll stop abandoning it from now on, even if it means I have to spend less time on other subjects. I really want that A.

My birthday is in two weeks, and I'm suddenly not looking forward to it any more. So many terrible things have happened this month that this year's July is no longer my favourite month. I've had a lot of emotional breakdowns and bouts of depression (at least, I think that's what they are. I can't really tell either. It's just a sort of numb feeling that makes you think you're all alone in this world. Which is true, to an extent) and everything's been so horrible lately.

I'm not sure if I'm becoming more and more antisocial. The people whom I desperately want to rely on, whom I think will possibly understand me the most in this current situation don't seem to notice the warning signals I'm giving them. I'm not blaming them. No one would want to spend their free time talking to someone so...weird and crazy anyway.

I grew taller and fatter...need to cut down on my food intake and reduce my weight back to the nice below 50 it used to be. It's not nice to be fat anyway.

What do I do now? I feel so lost.

And Marshy I actually gave you really big clues about what to get me since...a long time ago. That is, if you've really run out of ideas. Lol.

I'm not attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M80XXxMKFWw

Can we still go on? - Buzzer Beat OST

2011-07-07T17:21:00.002+08:00

A song from a J-drama I watched during the hols when I was supposed to be studying...(turns out my grades are all messed up. awesome.) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGg86JJseBc

My birthday's coming! In about slightly more than two weeks, I will be perfectly legal and chargeable and almost adult-ish except that I can't vote. Whee.

I told Marshy that I'd leave some hints of what I want/want to do on my birthday on my blog...so here goes. Just ignore me okay. =) If you want to give me a gift, anything will do, really, even a hug or something (just don't hit me anywhere -.- or poke me.), and even just facebooking me happy birthday will do too, seriously. The thought that someone remembers my insignificant birthday is more than enough. (I am not being lame or sarcastic or anything like that.)

And then...I've always been envious of people who are like super popular that everyone wants to go out with them and celebrate with them. =) That's why I told Marshy that what I want most is for someone to ask me out on a date with them on my birthday (and that girls can go on dates too for all I care). I still have the stupid problem of being clingy, so things like this reassure me that I'm still being treasured and appreciated...when popular people in school (or well-known people) wave to me or say hi to me, I feel...happy? Haha. Most people treat me as invisible anyway, so the fact that these people can actually see me and are not afraid to acknowledge that they know me...just makes me happy. I feel like some stupid fangirl. But it doesn't work that way, really. Lol.

Plus I'm greedy enough to want a one-on-one outing, so that we can just spend time together properly without having to take care of everyone's needs, which I get tired of doing, sometimes. Hmm...and I want all the outings to have the theme of "cold"! Because the weather's so hot lately. It can be something simple like eating ice-cream or more complex like going ice-skating (and then you have to swear you won't let me hurt myself because I tend to fall really hard). And we'll go Dutch on expenses so don't worry. =)

Ohhh the other thing that I get envious of is when people get reaaaally big presents on their birthday and then they have to carry them around haha, because everyone sees and thinks, "Ah, so that person must be really nice and popular to get presents like that". But that's just plain showing-off, so I'm a little averse to it as well. And anyway my birthday's on a Saturday, so no one's gonna see. Who do I want to show off to anyway? That's a good question.

Remember the time I mentioned about breaking up a friendship because it was too hard to maintain it? In the end I didn't really do it...because firstly, that person's a really good friend, just that we're kind of distant recently, and secondly...I don't wanna lose any friends just because we stopped communicating. It's really quite sad when I see people I used to know and speak to a lot just start ignoring me in the corridor when we walk past each other though it's quite obvious that we recognise each other. It's a waste of humanity, which we're already lacking in this world.

So stay smiley okay =) even when your chem BT2 results are like crap and you probably have 3 chem teachers after you. sigh.

Code Blue OST - Transparency

2011-06-14T11:36:00.003+08:00

I've been watching Code Blue instead of doing work! But it's one of the rare shows that can actually make me feel emotional or even cry, and it actually did help me to think over a lot of things, like how, it might have been stupid to keep saying that I want to jump down...as in saying it so easily without really thinking. So...in a way, in economics terms...it was a worthy investment, I guess. Maybe it was really hormones that brought on the depression part earlier, since my thingy seems to be lessening and I can think clearer now, or maybe I just grew up. I'm not sure which it is, but I'm just kind of thankful, ultimately.

The entire series has a really nice OST, and this piece in particular never failed to make me smile or cry, depending on how it was used. And I found the OST at HMV and it costs a whopping $55 O_O sigh. I wanted to get it if I could, but that's just a ridiculously expensive price. Wonder how much it'd cost if I shipped it from Japan...

And no one has tagged my blog in ages and I'm really sad.

I kind of realise that time is running out. And I'm suddenly reconsidering my ambition to be a doctor again...which means that I really need excellent results, which I'm unfortunately, not achieving due to my still-slackish attitude. Because I can't really make up my mind, it'd definitely be a better idea to just focus first and do well, so that I can continue considering it.

So! I shall end the post here with the link, and start mugging D&E. Biology seems to be my worst subject currently (excluding H3) and I need to mug the chemistry lectures that I never paid attention to. I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lC26Lr80-3E

Infinite - Can U Smile

2011-06-09T23:22:00.003+08:00

I'm swimming in guilt. Drowning in it, actually. For both things that I've done, and things that I haven't done.

I don't know why either.

I really thought it was just hormones. But I've been depressed for a week already, I think. And it's a lot worse than last time, because this time, I don't even know why I'm depressed. Plus I keep reading books like "The Peach Keeper" where at least the main characters had someone who was almost always there for them to rely on, and lol I just get even more depressed because it's not going to happen in real life. There won't ever be someone who can always be there for me. And there won't be anyone who understands how I feel. People keep telling me to go eat chocolate or ice-cream or take a break but I've done it all and it didn't help. I kept sleeping at like 2 plus or 3 plus and yesterday almost 5am just because I didn't feel tired (and I highly doubt it was because I drank coffee, since caffeine really has no effect on me).

It got a bit better today because I could finally cry (I couldn't cry the past few days no matter how hard I tried to), even though I didn't really understand why I was crying either, haha! I'm such a screwed up kid. As opposed to feeling empty inside, I feel like I'm about to explode, and that there's no real way of relieving that pressure.

I've been blowing up at my family members the past few days because firstly, I'm hurt that they don't notice how I'm feeling, and secondly, because I need an outlet, so they became my unfortunate scapegoats. To be honest, I'm not really guilty about that, since I've never been the favoured kid anyway. I'm always the one who gets scolded whenever anything goes wrong, even if it isn't my fault. If it was my younger brother, he'd just get off like, I dunno, a fish slithering out of your grasp, but I'd be whacked over the head with a pole first and then sent to be steamed alive. Something like that.

Finally, if I were to conclude, I guess it'd be that I'm scared, because I don't understand why I'm feeling this way, like I'm about to shatter into pieces. There's really nothing for me to hold onto, and nothing to hold me together either. Marshy knows what I like to do when I'm upset but this time, I don't think it's enough. Self-hurt in this case is just useless.

Tomorrow's my dad's birthday, and I really can't face my relatives. I can't pretend to be all happy and smiley any more. The oppression has built up to such a state that I just want to run away from it all, and never go home again.

And the best part? I wouldn't even have an explanation for my actions.

Oh and Marshy I'm not avoiding your smses on purpose, I just don't know what to reply. Food's not solving anything. It's like temporary one-second relief. And the amount of calories aren't worth it.

Someone else's recommendation. =) I don't own the copyrights to this song, and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this. Today's song is a complete irony.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24WYQZ8Z0l8&feature=related

BEAST - '내 여자친구를 부탁해(Say No)'

2011-06-06T21:33:00.003+08:00

Okay. I'm not sure how to say this, and why I'm even saying it on my blog, which is public -.- but I really need to air my grievances again.

Firstly, let's get some things cleared up. If I'm not wrong, the reason why I'm indecisive and whiny and stuff is because I have low self-esteem. But I really, really like to make new friends. So I try my very best to escape the little shelter I made for myself and explore the wonderful outside. Once I make new friends though, I tend to talk to them a lot (pester them, in other words) because I want them to remain my friends, and I feel...honoured (? haha) to know that people like them are friends with me, when I'm just this little invisible person whom most people don't take notice of.

So it's like I have this friend, whom I've been friends with for quite long...we're close in a way, like we share secrets (unless of course, the friend lied to me), but we're not that close that we'll call out to each other in school and then run up to each other and say hi and start talking (the way I do with most of my friends). We talk a lot online, but it's almost always me initiating the conversation, so I've always felt like I'm pestering my friend. And recently I didn't talk a lot to that friend, and that friend seems to be less...friendly towards me too. Because this friendship is really too stressful for me, I think it's better if I just stop communicating with that friend. It's not a hard decision per se, and something that I considered doing a long time ago, actually. In a way, it's my own selfish decision to protect myself. I...need friends who can reassure me, who like me as much as I like them or more. It's just too hard for me to like someone more than they like me. I'll always feel insecure otherwise. So that's what I decided. =) And since I've decided, I'll stop thinking about it already. And I'll apologise to that friend here. Sorry! =( I hope you understand.

Now that that's cleared up, I'll move on to other stuff. Like shopping trips with Marshy! We went shopping together at Uniqlo at Causeway Point. =) (new branch!) They had a lot of sales on UTs so we went on a T-shirt shopping spree. Marshy bought a brown food-related shirt (?) and a Mickey Mouse UT with the Mickey Mouse head made out of stars (it's really pretty!). I bought two shirts of the same design but different colour - this blue and gray hoodie shirts with Mickey Mouse comics printed all over them. =) =) =) And since we spent more than $70 we got to redeem a $5 Causeway Point voucher which we will spend together somehow. bwahaha. =)

If not for Marshy I think I'd be a lot worse emotionally. I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way either, like all down and depressed and unable to focus. I just want it all to go away. I need it to go away. I need so many things to happen, but none of them will.

If anyone wants to ask me to go mug with them or shop with them or watch movie (as long as it's not a childish movie) I'll gratefully accept because I think it's companionship which I need most now.

Here's today's song! I am currently obsessed with the same group -.- lol. I have no idea why. If Marshy can be obsessed with Glee I can be obsessed with this group. It's the same principle! Anyway, I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72_iw6-TGFk

Oh and I found this list on a website here: http://www.self-confidence.co.uk/articles/top-ten-facts-about-low-self-esteem/

The need to give and receive attention
The need to look after your body.
The need for meaning, purpose and goals.
The need for a connection to something greater than ourselves
The need for creativity and stimulation
The need for intimacy and connection to others.
The need for a sense of control
The need for a sense of status and recognition from others.
The need for a sense of safety and security

It really suits me. Except for point 5.

SNSD - Let it rain

2011-06-05T01:26:00.002+08:00

YAY MY BLOG IS WORKING AGAIN!! =)

I switched to LJ for a bit because my laptop wouldn't let me log into my blogger account. If you want to see the posts that I made earlier, you can always go to my LJ. =) It's the same address but at lj, of course.

There's a lot that I want to talk about, especially since I haven't blogged in ages, but let me get something off my chest first (figuratively, of course). Remember the person I was complaining about? Well, he/she, after redeeming him/herself, made my expectations of him/her lower in like, two seconds after reading the sms he/she sent. Seriously! I'm your senior. I'm asking you to go confirm a date and time for handover (which is seriously for your benefit more than mine; I could just dump the CCA on you and then let's see how you survive) and you ask me to REMIND YOU to confirm the date. Oh this is so awesome. Seriously!!

And it's like almost 2am and I should be doing bio since I slacked off today, but I'm still slacking off now. Oops.

My house flooded again on Wednesday due to a closed floor-trap on the third floor balcony lol. Due to the pressure caused by the build-up of water, it leaked from under the sliding door and down three stories, forming some kind of waterfall which culminated on the top of the display cupboard. I flung open my umbrella and used it to shelter the poor cupboard, which sadly, due to it being made of chipboard, has absorbed so much water it looks like popped wood (you know, like popcorn) and I just pray that it won't explode soon. Other damages include the TV console and well, our physical health as we waded around in the dirty rainwater cleaning up the house. I bet we mopped up more than three buckets of water. -.- Sigh. This is the second time our house flooded.

Then...I went to Jurong Island on Thursday and Friday for a workshop! The entire bus ride from school took about an hour, but it was really cool (Jurong Island, that is). The entire place is like super industrialised and all the reactors and ships and oil rigs are just exposed to the elements with no shelter. o.O I wonder how strong the metal pipes and stuff have to be to withstand it all. It's just so...raw. And we saw lots of huge oil barrels...or oil tanks, rather. Before this, when I was reading the reports on the nuclear crisis in Japan, I found it very hard to imagine what the nuclear plants and reactors looked like even when there were pictures and videos, but now I think I really understand what they look like. o.O

There's so much more I want to say but I'm sleepy! =) So I shall end here.

Here's today's song! I only like the chorus (the part that begins with "yamanai..." I assume it's yamanai lol). I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0Wsb1SkYy8

B2ST/BEAST - Fiction

2011-05-19T21:46:00.004+08:00

If you don't get mentioned in my blog much, it's probably because I'm only addressing my emotional needs on my blog now, and doesn't mean that I don't like you or anything. =) Don't worry! (This sentence is cos I saw zee reading my blog this afternoon~)

I think I often guilt-trip people into doing things for me...which of course, isn't a good thing, but yeah. =( I'm not sure how often I get guilt-tripped into doing stuff though. Like a certain *cough cough*. But you won't be around so you won't know whether you successfully guilt-tripped me into doing it or not. HAHA. TOO BAD. =) Anyway you don't even read my blog, so I could insult you here or something and you wouldn't know. Doo doo~

I'm not sure if I'm in a better mood now (though bullying the friend above often does put me into a better mood) but MARSHY-DOO-HOO-HOO thanks so much for staying back to watch the boo-vie with me today! =) =) =) =) =) I really appreciated it heheh. =)

My cold is mysteriously returning, though in lesser intensity. Please stay that way. I totally have no wish to be sick next week, what with viva and my lecture test, neither of which I've studied for. Oh happy days~

Haha I never posted it up, so I shall post it up now. I need a song! Oh I might as well make a confession now since today is apparently the last day of the world or something. Strangely enough, after someone recommended me the B2ST/BEAST song which I recently put up a few days ago, I went to listen to the rest of the new album and I quite like it haha. =) I don't really have like a particular person that I like in the group; I just like the songs in general. =) So I shall put another one of their songs here. =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and I'm not attempting to earn/earning any money for doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQ85OpHmDK0

Had a long rubbish convo with someone. =) We've talked a lot recently...but I still can't really tell if the person is irritated with me talking too much. =( I can single-handedly carry on a conversation for one hour I think. Anyone wanna try? =)

Talking to LM now! Haven't had such a carefree convo with a junior before haha! =) It's quite fun! =) =) =) I like! Haha =)

Okayes let's post this thing!

Tsukishirube - Nanri Yuuka

2011-05-16T21:00:00.005+08:00

I should never let myself feel happy, seriously. I relaxed a teeny weeny bit, and then all the bad things happened! AGAIN!!! AHHHHH WHAT IS THIS!!!! Every time I loosen up a bit, then it just snaps back like a rubber band and whacks me in the forehead or something. ARGH.

Let me type in Japanese; I haven't done that in a looooong while.

実は、私、何も知らない。子供のように考えてばかり、赤ちゃんのように泣いて、本当にばかだと思ってる。そして、もう疲れた。

Oops my standard de-proved. But it basically captures the essence of what I'm feeling now, and what I want to say.

Here's today's link! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1Iv_0YBqFk&feature=related

Okayes. And Marshy and I are supposed to go out today but she says she's lazy so now we're NOT going out. =( I'm sad. After we broke up we seem to go out a lot less. HAHA.

I've been feeling really sick and tired recently...like I don't dare to sleep at night because I don't want tomorrow to come, and bring more icky "surprises" or something. And as the days draw closer and closer I just feel worse and worse...I don't know. Plus because I've been sleeping at like 1 plus or 2 plus the past few days, I just get really tired during the school and don't really have the mood to do anything. It's disgusting, this stupid cycle. I have no idea how to tell anyone this face to face because they won't understand how bad it really feels. Words are ultimately empty. It's actions that can only comfort me now I guess. And haha cos I'm quite dead in the mornings it's not much point coming to find me in school either, especially as I'm rather conservative and I'm unlikely to express much emotion in public.

That's something else I'm rather upset about, with regards to myself. When people whom I don't expect to speak to me suddenly do talk to me, then I usually just end up making some...strange comeback that really makes no sense. And it's so weird to tell people "thank you" all the time...I'd much rather show it through my actions. Saying it too many times just makes it rather meaningless.

So many things to say...so little time to do so; it's just so difficult to stop myself from breaking down and wailing an ocean or something. It's easy to say that you'll (generic you lol) be there for me, but do you really understand the extent to how I'm feeling now? I can't ever break down in front of anyone. I have my dignity at least. But you have no idea as to how much I just want to start crying and then have someone there to pat me or hug me or tell me it's okay, to just side me in everything for once. That's what I really need now.

It's so painful to have to hide everything from everyone. Simply repeating how many times I feel like jumping down or dying...it's not really enough to express how I feel now. It's really...insufficient.

I don't know what to do now but pray that everything will be okay.

Beast/B2ST - On Rainy Days

2011-05-15T01:02:00.002+08:00

Another recommendation from someone~ hehe. =) Here's the link! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! By the way the chipmunk version of this song is quite nice too. =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tmp0g230b0w

Haha yesterday I was in Popular, trying to find a nice big blank notebook with no ruled lines so that I could spam it with mechanisms from my H3 tutorials. In the end, I decided to use a normal 20 pocket slip file and then draw on A4 sized paper and keep it in the file. And while I was searching for a pretty blue file, I heard a song playing and paused to listen to the lyrics, which sort of shocked me, because they really accurately depicted how I'd been feeling the past few days. So here's the link too, and as usual, I don't own the copyrights to this song, plus neither am I attempting earn/earning any money by doing this~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tmp0g230b0w

I'm pretty much quite emotionally fragile now after all the recent happenings, so if you want to snuggle closer to me it's really easy to do so =) and I'm very welcome of hugs and stuff. Haha. Though the reverse applies as well, and it's really easy to make me detest you too. It all depends on how you want it to go. =) Like Marshy is now reaaaaaally best best friends with me because of the notebook o.o Marshy I shall treasure it =) =) =) Surprise gifts are always...really nice surprises. =) And it came at a really opportune moment.

I have truckloads of work to do so I'd best be going now. =) But just to let you all know, I'll really work hard to be okay again, to be me again, and I'm sorry for all the people I've bugged over the past few days (Marshy, HM, WT, Claire-bear, Pling, the mysterious unrelated friend called "you" whom Marshy wants to know who it is).

BYEZ. =)

Si Deus Me Relinquet - Kuroshitsuji OST

2011-05-02T20:18:00.003+08:00

I forgot to announce that my beloved blue file was murdered last Friday morning. Time of death is presumed to be from about 8.15am to 9am. The fatal injury was that of a crack across the side closer to the clips, as well as two broken joints out of three. The murderer has not owned up -.- and due to the nature of the injury, this case shall be classified as unnatural death. I shall continue to investigate. -.-

My younger brother says I needs to list my suspects (and that I played too much of "Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney"). Well, suspects would include my classmates, and whoever who was near the crime scene (my class bench) during the suspected time of death. As I have no way to retrieve any form of evidence e.g. fingerprints, this case will probably forever remain a mystery. May my poor blue file rest in peace.

Let me find a sad song for my poor file. Okay found it. My younger brother says it sounds like a ghost song. And HAHA someone thought the title was "Seduce me, delinquent" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm still laughing and my yb thinks I'm nuts lol.

I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4-tn_7CHvw&feature=related

Want and Resent (cover) - Taeyeon & Jessica

2011-05-01T21:48:00.002+08:00

For Marshy's sake -.- to prove to her that I am loyal (to her, haha!) there will be no mention of mysterious people on my blog today, and for the rest of this week. So Marshy, the explanation to your question won't ever appear until next week. HAHA. =)

YAY I AM FINALLY GETTING BETTER (I hope!). I first developed symptoms (sore throat) in the middle of bio lab, and then at night, starting getting blocked nose and stuff. On Friday morning, the sore throat was quite bad, and so was the runny nose problem, and I used up like four packets of tissue to get through the day. I also stupidly went to run my 2.4km (haha) but I THINK I ran 16min 19sec so it should be okay. I really hope so, anyway.

Oh my homework is piling up like my pile of used tissues (I apologise to the trees I've killed =() because I really couldn't do any work yesterday...felt very tired and headache-y. I nearly died during bio lecture. Since I used about three packs of tissue (haha marshy I just told you this online), that's about 30 pieces, and as the lecture was 150 minutes long, I must have blown my nose (150/30 = 5) once every five minutes. That's pretty awesome. No wonder I felt like dying. Wonder what the lecturer thought; I sit pretty close to the front.

Dadadoo...what else shall I comment on? Oh it's quite weird how I was lying around being sick yesterday but my mum still expects me to be able to do stuff like go out to open the gate for the car to park -.- and carry (with her) the damn heavy foam mattress up to the third floor. I might be all smiley and cheerful on the outside (cos being happy is supposed to make you get well sooner, you know) but I'm not that recovered yet...

Anyway! Here's today's song, and I don't own the copyrights to this song, plus neither am I earning/attempting to earn any money by doing this! =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snMf0RR4xlg

MBLAQ - Your Luv

2011-04-28T22:07:00.002+08:00

After listening to this when I randomly came across it in the related videos column (since it's JAPANESE =)) I was actually rather impressed by the fact that it really sounds like a mainstream J-pop song, unlike most other K-pop artists who made the transition over to J-pop. =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws3DrGUbzBw

Moving on, our crisis has apparently been averted, but it might be too soon to say so, so HM and I are just hoping that it has been averted. =)

YOU seriously appear in all my blogposts. -.- And usually not in a positive light, LOL. Anyway, I hope you're okay now. =) You seemed quite smiley while looking down on me today...stay smiley okay! You said you didn't want others to worry after all~

And I hereby announce that I am down with a cold. Whoopee.

And I'm sleepy so I shall end here! Must remember to bring the shoes for Plingsies tomorrow and to pack my bag. =)

U-KISS - 0330

2011-04-24T21:05:00.003+08:00

Heehee. I'm in a slightly better mood today, despite the storms that continue to rage on. Maybe I've just become numb to it all. I'm not sure.

It's at times like this that I really want support from people, but the problem is that I can't tell you why I need your support, because I don't want you to look down on me. So I just hide it all inside, and pray that you notice.

Quite a few birthdays have passed recently, and I sort of started thinking what this year's birthday wishes are (though I think I've already thought of them, but then forgot what they were). Currently, I want headphones! Haha I think I'll never have enough headphones. And then, more importantly, I want the current crisis to be gone for good. I want self-discipline. I want lots of people to reassure me that they like me, that they care for me, that they're there for me. I think my self-esteem took too many direct hits recently, and it's been the little fun messages that you all keep sending to me that keeps me going...please do continue sending them to me! =) I'll treasure all of them and not delete them at all (although my phone does auto-delete after about 200 messages).

And then...sigh. MARSHY~ haha. =)

I don't own the copyrights to this song, and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! This song is posted based on a recommendation. =) Haha.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1zOhQQpw6U&feature=related

Apology

2011-04-22T11:20:00.002+08:00

This is a serious post, so I'm not going to put a song or anything.

I messed up (majorly, and not so much in the academic sense). By jumping the gun, I could have single-handedly ruined everything, even though I had no intention to at all. My initial aims were completely opposite: to save rather than destroy. I can't explain why I did it without telling you the long story behind it, and to be honest, it's much, much easier, to just blame it on all on me for being incapable rather than to link to the rest.

It's kind of ironic that no matter how hard I try to be perfect, how hard I try to be the best I can be, it all comes crumbling down in the end, this time dragging me to hell, even. Maybe I should really just stop trying. It was painful to have to act happy and normal on Thursday morning, when all I wanted to do was to hug someone and cry. It was painful to have to stay strong when I've never really been a strong person in the first place. It was painful to know that I couldn't tell everyone what I had done and seek their comfort because it was my own damn fault in the first place, and anyway, I deserve the punishment.

Would it be impossible for you to forgive me and to trust me once again? I won't blame you if you choose not to do so.

SNSD - Mr Taxi

2011-04-19T23:38:00.002+08:00

Surprisingly, I quite like this song. =) Mostly at the bridge part, though. The chorus can get a little irritating, lol. I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTZObCPzu5o

Firstly, I have a confession to make LOL and it's not what you think it is -.-. Anyway, by some miracle, I actually did pretty well for econs in BT1, "well" to the point that I um have a double-digit ranking that is less than 20 o.o it's a palindromic number (this pretty much gives away the number). So I was kinda expecting my name to be on the screen today (and it was) and now I feel kinda guilty for wishing for it to be up there, and being complacent and telling everyone that I did well when a lot of people didn't do well. =( I should be more considerate. And then I demanded that someone look at the screen and then congratulate me BUT THAT SOMEONE DIDN'T but I forgive you for being a meanie since you congratulated me beforehand already haha. =) BUT I don't forgive you for being mean to me even after I stopped calling you a meanie. HMPH. I practise double-standards and I'm proud of it, LOL.

I haven't done any homework recently...keep doing GP stuff. It's so terrible that I'm really starting to feel depressed. I'm blatantly practising double-standards on my friends too. I like Marshy's childishness, but I don't like someone else's "act-cute" personality. It seriously gets on my nerves so much that I sometimes just want to yell at her to stop it, and that it's not cute. I think the guys like it though, and I seriously suspect it's just a natural part of her personality, but someone it's been really getting at me recently. I'm sorry! I know I "act cute" too, so I've been trying to reduce it recently. I just like to sleep on people's shoulders now. Haha. And jump on them from the back.

SLEEPY. I shall post more next time =) Bye bye!

SNSD - Tears

2011-04-09T22:05:00.004+08:00

I might have been quite rude today, but I'm not intending to apologise. Friendships shouldn't be one-sided, at least in my opinion. Even though I'm more active online and you more so in real life, I feel like I'm the one who wants to be friends with you, and that you're just lowering yourself down to be friends with me because it's almost always me who's trying to ensure that we have frequent conversations. You once said that you're a sensitive person, so I decided to try it out. Apparently despite the VERY obvious ignoring, you have not noticed, so I guess this is how it's gonna turn out. =) I, for one, am not perturbed in the least, and I guess neither are you, lol.

Okay this marks the end of the rant. =) Don't bother trying to guess who it is =) I'm not going to say. The person is a nice person and did help me out a lot, but it's a rather taxing friendship, so we'll see how it turns out.

Yay today was a very lame day at T^3 =) Haha. After my tutee self-studied geography because I never took it, we attempted SAT questions in her SAT book and learnt a lot of new words, like monolithic and innocuous and salubrious and stuff. The funny thing was that I only had Google Translate in my phone so I translated the English words into Chinese -.- and so we learnt English using Chinese today lol! Oh and swarthy too.

Then I went around trying to find presents for my angel and mortal and couldn't find any but got wet on the way home. Whoopee. Shall continue again tomorrow before STJ! =)

ECONZ. EW.

____________________________

Oh my that was written like last Saturday. Oops.

I screwed up NAPFA! SIGH. MEGA SIGH. Am considering re-running, and aiming for an impossible timing. HAHA. Stupid stitch.

Oh goosey I'm supposed to be doing bio. And because I am such a nice person I actually stopped ignoring that person (who ignored ME instead!!) and so I am continuing my ignoring-ness. Whoopee. =) But we sort of saw each other today and then had no choice but to wave haha. And that person just smsed me to congratulate me. Shall ignore the sms until tomorrow. =) We are a pair of jokers, I think, as my mum would say. Oh well. Marshy is infinitely more important. I grab hold of her every day HAHA. I do Marshy-spotting every lecture. =)

I need a song! Okay this isn't the best of the best but it'll do. =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oeQs6Zu4BIg

I shall post a Japanese song as soon as I can find a nice one. =)

See you! I will now go back to respiration haha.

Song Ji Eun feat. Bang Yong Guk - Going Crazy

2011-04-03T21:39:00.007+08:00

Ohhh today is/was a very upsetting day...but I did manage to get an important thing done, which is to reaffirm my priorities and criteria. =) HEH. I feel rather accomplished. Not gonna have stupid dreams any more.

I am freaking sleepy and I should totally be doing my GP instead but I ended up blogging, whoopee~

Somebody from my school commented on my formspring account, which is quite freaky, because I only know one other person from my school who is on formspring and it wasn't her! o.o and the person who commented knows that I'm in the same school! O_O WHO ARE YOU O_O Somehow, I think we only know each other indirectly. Lol!

I have achy thighs from jumping around too much on Friday despite leg cramps -.- and a sprained foot and who knows what else...plus NAPFA 2.4km run this Friday. Totally awesome. I feel like some kind of invalid now; how am I going to pass in five days?

There are so many successful people around me...I wonder if anyone will notice if I just disappear for a while.

Today, my observations culminated in the hypothesis that "niceness" is dependent on two factors: the person's mood, and whether the person is busy or free. Somehow that makes me sad, even though I have been guilty of not being nice as well.

Emo posts lately.

______________________________________

That was from yesterday to like 12.03 am on Monday teeheehee. It's still Monday!

Today was a kind of better day. =) Maybe it's because I got stuff done, and though I messed up my GP, I still passed. JUST. LOL.

I think we might be getting bio back tomorrow. Horror of horrors.

Plus maybe it's the fact that I got new shoes. =) I would have preferred blue ones, but I somehow ended up with white and pink ones lol.

Here's today's song! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qx9ZBv-QAoE

Kan Jong Wook - Deep Breath

2011-03-29T22:14:00.005+08:00

I figure it's a good time to blog; after all, lots of things happened today. =)

First, our class got evacuated from the chem lab because we made too much HCl fumes, and everyone's eyes started stinging. For some amazing reason, I was completely immune to it, since I didn't feel it at all. O.o Oops.

And I got back my chem H3 results, and actually, I didn't do as bad as I thought, though obviously the teachers think that I could have done better, especially since one told me not to be "demoralised" even though I wasn't actually demoralised. It must have been because his class did a lot better than mine.

______________________________________________

Tadah dooms...Doom is a good word, lol.

I'm really very touched that lots of people think I'm smart =) =) (I'm sorry to dash your hopes but I highly doubt I'm very smart) I think I will continue, after all. If I keep asking people, it must mean that I don't actually want to quit. So I shan't. =) My H3 teacher thinks I'm fine anyway haha. But he doesn't know how much I'm screwing up H2. Or maybe he does. Not sure heehee.

I have no idea why I'm in a good mood; I should really be panicking about my mass of undone work.

_____________________________________________

The previous post was typed on Wednesday, I think. Now it's Friday and I've majorly screwed up. This is so awesome. Whoopee.

I really decided not to drop H3, you know. THEN today's tutorial came and now I'm contemplating all over again.

I got back my "awesome" Math results too. Oh well. At least I improved, no matter how tiny. =) Little steps forward!

PE was really nice too, what with my legs cramping and all. I wonder if I'll be able to walk tomorrow. Hmm.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZEE =) The bright spot of today! =) I didn't mean to prank you HAHA =) But anyway hope you had lots of fun today~ =)

_______________________________________________

LOL it's Sunday and I still haven't posted heehee oops. =) I need a song!

I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-Yof6RtZzo

I also realise that I might have been bugging you a lot recently and you seem rather irritated by that...I'm sorry for it. =( I won't bug you any more, from today onwards. =) That's my newest resolution haha. It might not be 1024 x 768 pixels, but I hope it's good enough.

Yoseob - Cherish that Person

2011-03-26T16:28:00.008+08:00

There should be a reason behind each and every of our actions, even if it's subconsciously, in my opinion. So when I do certain things, I wonder what I'm doing it for, why I'm doing it - little things like that. My own motives have always had to do with other people. I've always been comparing things, even the minuscule ones. I'm taller than you, shorter than you, thinner than you, fatter than you, smarter than you, stupider than you etc. Instead of becoming myself, I think I've been trying to be better than everyone. It's a stupid goal that won't ever be achieved, but it's something that I can't stop doing.

Even though I want to do it, I can't seem to do it continuously either. Maybe it's because I have no perseverance.

Lately, I've been obsessed with prettiness. o.O Haha. I keep looking at people, and wondering if they're pretty, and if they are, then what part of them is pretty. =) Then I start thinking if I can be pretty too. o.o (not for any particular reason other than whether or not I have the ability to be, lol) I have friends who used to be quite average looking but are now very pretty...I don't think I became any prettier, probably uglier. And fatter. I have gained at least...8 kg since Sec 1 or 2, I think. Come to think of it, that's quite scary. Since I've only grown about...6 cm since Sec 1, max. o.O

Lest you think I'm anorexic, I most certainly am not. I love my food, in particular cakes and ice cream, too much to give them up. Especially chocolate stuff! I really really like chocolate and sweets. It's a wonder I don't have diabetes. Touch wood.

Hmm. I feel lonely even when I'm with other people, like friends who are really close to me. I think it's because everyone has hidden secrets, including myself. There are things I will never tell you, because it's too embarrassing to, and because I simply don't want you to know, or things that you shouldn't know. Stuff like that. I hate that it separates us (Marshy!) but I have no choice. I'm sorry. =(

I'm sorry Marshy, but 'Gnomeo and Juliet' was really lame. =( Haha! I liked the rabbits though. =) And the huge Terranimator or whatever it was called lol. =) Let's go watch 'Red Riding Hood' someday okay? =) With Claire-bear and Chloe who have said that we should go out together soon...

Sigh! School is returning to normal. Me is gonna cry. =(

There are so so so so so many things I want to do, but don't have enough time to. =(

And there are so many expectations of me that I can't live up to. I feel like a stretched rubber band. Or maybe one of those stretched wires inside the piano. And maybe I'll snap one day...after all, I've already snapped before. I can't remember what fixed me back though, or how it happened. I just hope some kind of topoisomerase comes to relieve the tension soon. =( And no, I'm not trying to inject some kind of biological humour here, lol.

Here's today's song! =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0vZUar0I9Y

Actually this blog post was started on Saturday, I think, but today's Monday and I still haven't posted it yet. Sigh. It's not very pleasing either to realise that I've been moping around since like Friday...

I'm getting severely distracted by the computer. I need to do bio tutorial! =(

Haha I demanded my letter from my angel today heheheh. It's nice to know who she is. =) Sadly, I can't demand it from my mortal. I wonder if she's found out who I am yet, though.

I shall finally, finally post this up now. It's a jumbled mix of everything.

Black Tears - Beige & Kan Jong Wook

2011-03-24T20:37:00.002+08:00

Teehee pling commented on my blog after so long =) HI PLING~! =)

Today shall be a happy post! No matter how terrible the state of my block tests are/were in. =) HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! I must be getting self-delusional. Oh well. Whatever. The world revolves around ME anyway. I'm joking. LOL. I'm nuts. Peanut? =) Pecan nut! Whatever. HAHA.

I went to my all-time favourite book store with Marshy today! And I bought two books which I've been wanting for quite a while, and saw a whole other bunch of books that I want haha! But it would be stretching my book budget, so I shall resist for a while. But SIGH! I do so want to read them. Yet, I only have two eyes, so I can only read a maximum of two books at one time, I guess. I bought "Matched" and "Little Vampire Women", the former of which is a sort of romantic story set in a dystopia (I learnt this word from the cover of the book! =) but I heard it before anyway, I think.) kind of society, and the latter is a revision of the original novel in a highly amusing way. I'm very contented with my two books. =)

Today's song is from the drama I'm currently watching during dinner haha. =) The OST's quite nice. =) I don't own the copyright to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYQWbmmA-Tk

Sigh I want lots of people to spam me on messenger now! I want to have five convos! HAHA. =) I think I'm being too greedy. Hehs. JIAYOU everyone taking physics!!! Me loves you lots you'll all be awesome awesome awesome tomorrow!! =)

(This shall be random) HAHA I THINK I KNOW! Will you admit it if I guess correctly? Hmm.

GOING OUT WITH MY BF TOMORROW! =) I'm damn hyper now. Oops. HI MARSHY MY BF =)

I wanted to write a reaaaaaally long post, but like what Marshy said, it's probably gonna end up quite short.

=) =) =)

So I shall end here. =)

Pandora Hearts OST - Every time you kissed me

2011-03-16T21:31:00.004+08:00

I should really stop reading my emo posts. Haha! I used to have a blog where I wrote really, really emo posts and um sort of wrote about why I didn't like certain people and stuff...actually the blog's still up, but I hope you never find the link. I think I'll take it down someday, when I feel ready to.

I was thinking about this for quite a while today...I'm actually a really high-maintenance friend (Marshy of all people should know best, and some other people too). I'm like those petrol-guzzling cars, I guess. I require a lot, but I can't give a lot. There are reasons for this, I guess. I don't want you to feel that I'm defending myself, because being selfish is really something that I recognise as bad and something that I want to change, but yet something I can't seem to change.

Okay, so why am I high-maintenance? This sounds mildly amusing. Heheh.

If my friends stop talking to me, even for like a few minutes, or don't seem ready to listen to me, I start thinking that they don't like me or any more. I think it's not that bad, and that I've dulled myself a it so that I don't realise things like this, but now it's like, if I talk to you, but you don't voluntarily talk to me on other occasions, I'll get the feeling that somehow, you don't appreciate me as much as I appreciate you. After that, I'll either gather up enough courage (somehow) to try to talk to you again, or I'll just leave it, and we drift apart. It's why people like Jojo are good for me, because she keeps thanking me even when I do something small for her, and telling me how much she appreciates me helping her. =) I try to reciprocate! Which is probably why I'm saying thank you more often now, but without making eye contact because (haha) I feel embarrassed. I'll admit it here. =)

I've been trying to reduce my dependency as well...for new friends, you might (might, not always because I probably failed) notice that I don't talk to you all that often now. I'm pretty okay with not talking to anyone on messenger now, even though it feels weird. There's a particular friend whom I only chat online with once a week (every Saturday night haha!) because I don't want to bother that friend, since he/she's always busy, and Saturday night is the only time I'm quite sure we're both free to talk. The convo always starts with me saying something random and my friend replying that "we haven't talked in quite awhile". I wonder if my friend notices the pattern. Hmm.

This doesn't mean I'm like attached to cyber-chatting, though in a way, I've always felt more comfortable hiding behind my computer screen than talking in real life. But (!) the new friends I've recently made almost always seem happy to see me in real-life (and have actually managed to keep up the feat of calling me by a nickname, which is a new record), so I feel more at ease seeing them as well, instead of the whole awkward smile thing. The fact that we can actually talk and get along in real-life (though we don't talk as much as we do online) is really...gratifying? I feel grateful. Haha. =)

Sometimes I wonder if I assume too much. Sometimes I think that a certain person is actually quite a close friend of mine, but then I start wondering if that person regards me as a close friend. Like I know me and Marshy are close =) but me and my new friends...are we close? In particular (without stating names or gender or anything), two of my new friends told me more about their personal life and secrets and stuff, and I started wondering if I was really close enough to be trusted (from their point of view). Sigh. I do appreciate them trusting me, though! =) I'll keep everything safe and sound, as much as I can. =)

On the other hand, the selfish part! I've gotten "cheated", in that sense, more than a couple of times, so it makes it hard for me to give a lot of myself to other people, because I'm afraid that I'll be let down again. I used to have a friend whom I was really close to, but (this is an assumption of mine as well), I think she puts herself first. I have a soft spot for her (I'll elaborate a bit more on this later) so I kept forgiving her...then maybe now I've grown up, and sort of distanced myself from her. It feels strange when she comes up to me (whenever we occasionally meet) and we seem to be really close, but...I've always felt guilty for not knowing whether she really means it sincerely, or if we're both just acting. If it's the former, I'm really, really sorry for being this way. I've learnt to protect myself too, now. I can't trust anyone as much as I used to, now.

About the soft spot thing...there are those amongst my friends whom I really have a soft spot for. This means that no matter what they do to me, I'm always inclined to pretend that it didn't happen and to give them another chance, even if they hurt me over and over again. This is gradually disappearing though! I'm glad about that. =) I'll save soft spots for people like my bf (Marshy).

Okay! I slept until like 12 today, so I'm gonna stay up and work hard to make up for it. =) I'll be going off now! =)

I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5xPKwMVXrM

ClariS - Connect

2011-03-14T21:15:00.003+08:00

Reading the reports of the devastation caused by the tsunami and earthquake in Japan really make me feel sick because of the guilt and the fact that no matter what I do, I won't be able to do enough to really make a difference in their lives. =( But the little stories of hope that I read here and there do remind me of the strength of humans, and it sort of cheers me up a little and helps to me believe that they'll be okay. It's just hard to imagine such a strong country like Japan being susceptible to natural disasters...ultimately the environment still has power over men, I guess.

The first song I picked for this post is quite sad, and after listening to it I decided not to use it, because it'd be too depressing, so I picked a more upbeat song. I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHiEcA-JHds

Finally got the grant application sent out...hope everything goes well. I really wanna raise funds for Japan with my CCA, but I don't think I can take on the stress of a 3rd SL...not if I want to stay sane. Thinking of subbing it out to the juniors...they should learn to take on some responsibility too.

Back to my own selfish world now...

I think I'm getting gastric flu (if I get any kind of flu, it's almost always gastric flu because I have a terrible stomach)...I stupidly drank caramel coffee on an empty stomach, and then I was so full I couldn't eat lunch, and it escalated to the point where I had a really bad stomachache, headache and shaky hands lol...after I ate it got slightly better, then I ate a banana and went to visit my darling toilet a couple of times, and by dinner it was practically gone =) but now I feel the acid churning again. =( Can't afford to fall sick now!!

I should really stop thinking about some useless stuff HAHA. Need to clear my brain's RAM.

And I should go study yucky econs now! =)

Bye bye!

Kalafina x ELISA - Yuzurenai negai

2011-03-13T12:30:00.003+08:00

Firstly, I really hope everyone in Japan will be able to get back on their feet soon...they have the support of everyone all over the world!! =( somehow it's hard to imagine that it was an earthquake of 8.9 that caused such damage. Even though Japan is the most prepared country, the damage was still really bad. =( And the death toll is still rising... =( =( =( I feel guilty for living in a country that's sheltered from tsunamis and natural disasters.

This is going to be a short post because I really need to go study. =( I have a test tomorrow. Wish me all the best! I'm probably gonna fail again (and here, two people will whack me - figuratively, at least).

There are reasons why I don't like to know secrets...I'll keep them, but it's not easy for me to. Lol in fact it's quite hard for me to lie, even, unless I've made up my mind to do so. I feel bad keeping stuff from people.

=( I know that because it's test period now, it's very hard for people to put me before their tests and marks, but that's what I really need now...to know that someone is supporting me no matter what. =( To have someone to find me before tests start and I don't know, reassure me that I'm not going to fail or anything, and that even if I do it's okay because that person (Marshy? haha) will still support me and go through corrections with me and stuff. After the fail maths quiz my confidence and self-esteem really took a beating...plus I got it back right before GP so =( GP was quite bad too. Everything bad became worse, and when I wanted to start a light-hearted convo with someone, it turned out to be a stressful convo in the end (because I was burdened with a secret haha). And my CCA CIP thing is not working out and now I really don't know what to do...I just wanna hide in my room and not face the light of day or something. Call me an escapist, but it's what I really want to do right now.

Knowing that the person who cheered me up is depressed too is making me even more depressed...this is the vicious cycle of depression haha~.

I don't own the copyrights to this song, and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLAbCtVTQXI&feature=related

***edit

haha I just read one of JY's tags, and realised that I must either be very good at acting, or that everyone was really too preoccupied to notice. They only mentioned that I looked very tired (and I was), but the cyclone of emotions inside must have been very well hidden. Then again, they don't know me well enough to realise that the smiles and the replies are all façades. I want you to know, but I won't tell you directly, because I'd have no pride left. So I'll continue to hide until the day you notice. Something along that line. =)

SNSD - Find the Way (Korean version)

2011-03-11T21:59:00.002+08:00

IT'S ALL OVER!!! For better or for worse. =)

I know a lot of people were upset over the results for SSEF, especially since a LOT of pro people didn't get the awards they rightfully deserve, but ultimately there's really no fair basis of comparison. So don't be too depressed over it! Life goes on. =) To a certain someone who will really never read my blog, I wanted to post on your fb status but you don't really know me and I don't really know you, but anyway thanks for wishing me good luck that day and I'm sure your project was just under-appreciated; don't worry too much!! =)

This week was a hellish week (to quote Marshy). I was super tired most of the time, "chionging" SSEF stuff and running back and forth from school to the SC back to school back to SC back home etc etc, until I couldn't study for math and ended up failing my math quiz so terribly (I got the lowest mark possible) and my teacher wrote there, "Terrible! What happened? Did you study?" Plus I got this super depressing quiz back right before my GP block test, and I started crying at my seat lol...no one saw though. I ran out to wash my face, then went back into the classroom as soon as I could (I was afraid that the test would start) but my mind drifted back to the very-nice comments and I started crying again haha. I started wondering if I wanted J to notice (since she was seated right beside me), but it would be very embarrassing, yet at the same time I really wanted someone to comfort me. =( It's at random times like this that I really envy (? haha not sure if this is the right word to use) the couple in my class because they're always together...

Then after school I called Marshy!! =) my BF =) and I'm not sure if she noticed but I nearly started crying over the phone again LOL (which is why my words were indistinct sometimes) but I tried not to 'cos I was at my class bench and my classmates could see, plus I had other friends nearby at other benches. I spent an awesome afternoon with my BF =) mugging PnC and generally playing around, (including the fangirl-ing over my new bunny notebook) which really helped to cheer me up and totally chased all the blues away that accumulated this week. =) THANK YOU MARSHY ME LOVES YOU =)

I really experienced "stress" this week, and it's really not a good feeling. When you're so physically exhausted that you can't study any more, and nothing sinks into your brain, but it's so relieving to be able to do something other than work...when the test paper shows nothing but rubbish and you know that normally you'd know how to do at least 1% of it...and you thought that you could do it but apparently you're so useless you can't do anything at all...did I do something wrong somewhere?

It's stupid to want others to pity you, but in this case I really, really wanted someone to just hug me tight and tell me it's okay to cry. I don't really know what came over me either; I've been crying almost every night since Tuesday this week lol.

There are people who promised to be there for me whenever I'm unhappy, but ultimately no one noticed how I felt until I posted on fb (because I really, really wanted comfort from others just so I could keep going and survive this week). If Marshy-doo-poohies my dearest bf didn't spend the entire afternoon pei2-ing me and helping me to feel better, I think I might really have done something that I'd regret. O_O

Ohh before I forget, here's today's link! I actually like the original Japanese version more, but this one's not too bad too. =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HOEuAMpP04

Moral of the story: don't pile too much on your plate, or you'll drop it and it'll break. =)

Taeyeon and Joo - Because of a man

2011-02-25T21:39:00.004+08:00

I actually blogged twice, and then deleted off both drafts because they weren't very appropriate, haha. So I'll post about what my math tutor spoke to me about today! =)

My CT's already quite CT-ish compared to our J1 CT, but my math teacher was even more CT than her today. o.O First she reassured me that she intends to talk to everyone eventually, and basically asked me like how my family situation was (okay? haha) and if I was in any financial difficulty or anything. Then she asked me if I had any plans for the future (until now I have no idea what I want to be) and told me that's it's okay if I haven't decided yet. Basically in the end we narrowed it down to a job in the science field (according to her, there are three categories: research, teaching and medical field) which definitely won't be research. Then she advised me to take up a scholarship if I go into teaching, and told me that med isn't all that glamorous or prestigious (I know).

After that we randomly chatted about my grades (HAHA) and she said that I was initially a very good student, then dunno what happened to me, and now I'm basically an inconsistent student (I realised). She says that it's likely I'll still get an A eventually though (I do hope so =( ).

There was a point in the discussion when she asked me if I have a boyfriend and I stared at her uncomprehendingly for a second before replying no. On second thought, I should have replied Marshy, and then we would have an awesome scandal (since we have the same Math teacher). She went on to say "very good" and told me to take my time, and that I can date in uni, when guys become desperate after NS (o.o). Ums. I have no comment on that. Generally at the very most I'll have very good guy friends, but I highly doubt I'll get married in the end because no one will like/love me enough to marry me haha. =) Then she asked me if I have my own NY group of friends (she used the word "clique", but I don't like it) and I went "Yeah, Marsha" and she went "AHH, Marsha" HAHA. Marshy you're famous! Teeheehee.

Which comes back to the point that it's not really a good idea to not have a goal, but never mind. I'm not as driven or as motivated as other people, but I think I'll still get there in the end, albeit more slowly.

And before I continue, I have a complaint to make here! With the exception of Marshy and Chloe-doey, no one spontaneously talks to me on messenger!! ESPECIALLY YOU! (you know who you are!) I shall wage a cold war against until you talk to me first. (The last time you did so was on Valentine's Day, more than a week ago! HMPH.) Actually I don't think the cold war thing would affect you. -.- Never mind. I'll still wage a cold war, cos I'm childish that way. =)

Okay I'll continue now. =)

Wasted the whole day!! But I got Marshy's present! =) It seems rather unsubstantial though. =( OH NO MARSHY HOWWWWW =( I really understand why people say that it's not the gift but the thought that counts. I went on 2 shopping trips to try to get her a present, but somehow I can't get anything that like conveys how much I really love my Marshy-doo. =(

____________________________________________________________________

Haha I typed the above nearly a week ago. Last Friday, I met MA who works in the NY GO on the bus and talked to her for a bit. It was rather interesting actually because I found a lot more about what was going on in NY currently and more about the perceptions people have of my current JC.

The past week has been really busy, and I'm not sure if I got very stressed or anything (though I feel much better than during the PW period when I was seriously very angry and upset most of the time); I really hope not. =( There are a lot of people being nice to me, much more than the number of people bullying me (YOU!) so I should stay happy and smiley. =)

I have no idea why I'm overreacting to the littlest things now. I'm normally quite open to teasing, and I'll have some really interesting comebacks of my own, but today I was at a loss for words, and came up with some rubbish to counter it. I was okay with it until like during break, when I decided the person was really mean to hope that I'll "bang into a wall" while I was walking backwards (!!! I don't like you any more.) Maybe it's due to an imbalance of certain types of cholesterols. I don't know. But that person is seriously mean. SERIOUSLY. HMPH. COLD WAR II.

This is a pretty song. =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I trying to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DH_crvZRSi8

G.NA - I'll Back Off so You Can Live Better

2011-02-22T21:50:00.002+08:00

I read through some of my previous posts (like those from last year) and realised that I was really a much happier person last year; a person who could appreciate all the happiness that she had. Even though there was PW last year, and a lot of random rubbish, I was really, really much happier. I have no idea what changed between this year and last year to turn me into the kind of person I am now, but I really hope I can undo the damage. I don't want to stay as the easily-depressed person I am now...I have a lot of new friends this year, and more people to say hi to, and more to chat with online and who actually apologise for not having noticed that I'm upset, and for not being able to spare time for me to chat with me when I was down. =( This only makes me feel more guilty, because those people are really busy people who have all their goals and priorities set right, and omg they were like down with the flu and still took out time to talk to me. OMG. =( I'm an ungrateful ingrate. I should get struck by lightning or something.

I think today's song title really fits me. I'm just a burden to everyone, after all (this is not a depressive thought lol, it's just something that I think is true). Ultimately no one is perfect, and thus each person will always drag the other down in some way, while probably complimenting or aiding the other person in another way. To me, I'd rather not drag someone down, because all the people I know are practically perfect angels and so do not need any more...upgrading, in that sense. (As if I have anything that's of use to them anyway.) Here's today's link, and I do not own the copyrights to this song, plus neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eL3lKPVq-0

Today was a really long day...went back to visit WT to get my laptop back after H3, and haha saw NJ walking into the classroom. I called out to her, she turned back and waved, and then went into the classroom, and when I looked in before I opened the door, my darling exco were like lining the door in two lines to "welcome" me back haha! =) Though it was a bit funny, it was quite touching too hehs. =) (I'm smiling as I type this lol.) Thank you!!! =)

There's someone who owes me an online convo, but I shan't demand it cos that person is really busy. =( And that person owes me a letter too, but I highly suspect he/she forgot, so I won't bug him/her for it too haha. =) I'll see if that person remembers it or not eventually.

MY ANGEL AND MORTAL PLEASE WRITE TO ME TOO =( angel: even though I found out who you are please write to me!! =) mortal: write to me and I'll bribe you back with lots of prezzies!! =) =) =)

I should seriously stop here and continue my econs, or I'll never finish HAHA. =)

BYE BYE =)

Davichi - A goose's dream

2011-02-17T20:37:00.002+08:00

Haha hello! =) I haven't blogged in a while, been really busy. Busy slacking and busy doing work until 1 plus in the morning. Oops. =) I think I've made lots of people worry about me when I start doing weird stuff in the morning from lack of sleep haha. Sorry! I promise to stay more awake, and to have faster reflexes (the latter promise is to myself, and well, generally most people since I've been banging into people a lot recently =( ).

Here's today's song! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOBKTT5CJfM

I really like the parts at the chorus where they harmonise. =)

Hmms...I told Marshy this would be a reflective post. I never really told my friends in my class how much I got for my promos, and when I did finally tell them a few days, they were quite shocked haha, because it's not up to my usual standard at all. I have no idea why I flopped so badly last year; I think I didn't study hard enough for promos. This year everyone is working really hard, and I'm more motivated, but at the same time, put off. The more I tell myself to do something, the more stressed I get, and the more unwilling I am to do it, so self-motivation, or motivation in this sense, really backfires. Our CT was talking to us about how she motivated herself to study hard by saying that there was only a week left and after that she doesn't want to have any regrets so she'll work hard now, but it's never really worked for me. The only way I'll work is if people encourage me, or tell me that they know I'll do well - if they believe in me, basically. Or if I want to impress someone or not have someone look down on me, lol.

I need a full-time tutor in all five subjects! =( I remember telling someone that that person failing maths would be like pigs flying, and the person actually agreed LOL. Not that the person can't agree, because pigs would really fly if that someone failed their maths, but the fact that he/she can agree...I feel so envious. HAHA. =) Are you secretly happy that I'm envious of you? I think so. =) Though you'll never read this, thank goodness, or I wouldn't be able to live it down.

I'm doing stuff this year that I'd never do last year haha...like asking teachers for consultation and trying to speak up more in class (though I still answer wrongly quite a lot HAHA). It's really, REALLY, out of my character, so I hope they understand if I just end up staring at the questions and what-not and not know what to ask. Eeks.

Jojo has promised to be my math peer tutor, and she said she'll tutor me EVERY DAY and Zee and I freaked out! =) Teehee. Though I'm sure if we mug math every day, my math will really improve by leaps and bounds under Jojo haha. =) Smart girl. =)

YD's right, I should go and do my work. Econs test coming up next week, and I should at least try the new tutorial. =)

Love you all bye bye~ =) I think I have enough sweets to give out during bio lecture tomorrow, provided a certain teacher doesn't catch me. =)

Kalafina - Magia

2011-02-15T23:12:00.002+08:00

Hiiii =) Sorry I haven't blogged in a long while; been super busy lately sigh. I haven't had much time for myself even, which made me rather irritable recently. Sorry! =(

Anyway, happy valentine's day! It's a little overdue though heheh. To those who received my flowers and chocolates, I hope the flower isn't too un-flower-like =( It was my first time making them so up till now I'm not sure if I made them correctly, but hope you like them anyway! =)

And to my boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/bestest best friend Marshy-pooh, thank you so much!! =) I carry it around with me everywhere, and it's filled with sweet things. =) =) =) Guess what they are! Haha. =) Everyone's happy when they see it teehee.

Anyway here's today's song! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_Npgd6_Hpk

I'll go read notes and do project stuff now, bye bye! =)

Kalafina - あんなに一緒だったのに (cover)

2011-02-08T23:18:00.002+08:00

I really really really like this cover!! =) It keeps playing in my head even when I'm in school, which is not a good thing haha. I like the adlibs here and there, and the harmonising is really pretty (at least to me). I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcKSSiQrp1I

Today was a very long and tiring day, and I messed up my GP compre. =( And we burnt rice, and a lot of other stuff. Sighs. Tired. I didn't do anything productive today; I wanted to study PnC but I forgot everything about it. =( So I just re-read through the notes. Haha.

I finally wrote my super overdue letter to Chloe-doey! Haha =) I shall pass it to you tomorrow.

CCA exhibition tomorrow! Hope we get lots of juniors =)

Kalafina - Adore

2011-02-06T22:41:00.002+08:00

Seems like a lot of people are ill over the CNY holidays...get well soon!!!

Here's today's song! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a--rlhWm55M

Today's post shall be about my random birthday wishes, ranging from the impossible to the slightly impossible to the maybe possible! =) This is rather egoistic but I believe in planning and I want to know what to give myself so I'll just write it here first haha. =)

The Absolutely Impossible

A (surprise) birthday party! o.O My birthday this year is on a Saturday, so unless I throw a birthday party, which I am rather disinclined to since not many people will turn up, I won't really see my friends on my birthday, which makes me rather...sad? I wish I could just turn up somewhere and see all my friends there already haha but this is just a hopeful wish that will never come true LOL. =)
Someone to talk to every night online and via sms. Marshy this is a hint for you to come online more often so that I can complain to you about school and crappy people. =) =) =)
I still want a car, but after what happened on the first day of CNY, I'll stick to public transport.
A billion and one people to join my CCA. =)
For me to get all As for A levels. LOL.

Bordering on Impossible

I want to celebrate my birthday with a cake in school on 22nd July! I'll bring the cake, I just need people. =) =) [The reason why this is bordering on impossible is because I'll probably forget to bring the cake.]
For me to get almost all As for A levels. LOOOOOL.
To get some huge present that I can show off as I go around to attend lessons HAHA. Nah I'm not that AA.
I want a birthday hug from everyone I know!! =) =) =)

More possible options

Ice-cream? o.o I want to eat ice-cream on my birthday. =)
Cherry ice-cream would be nice. Like Cherry Garcia. =)
I like chocolate ice-cream too.
More jackets? I like jackets. =)
A new foldable umbrella; I wanna stop carrying the RI one around. It's weird.
A new handphone cover - I'll protect this one with my life so that the cockroach won't get to it.
A looooooooooong birthday letter =)
It's my 18th birthday, so let's drink wine. =) Or champagne. Or choya. HAHA.
At the same time, let's go buy TOTO or 4D.
And then we'll go watch an M18 movie.
For me to be more sane and less crazy.
=)

I'm nuts. I'll end here. =)

Kalafina - 輝く空のしじまには

2011-02-02T19:35:00.003+08:00

Hellooooooooooooo~ =)

It's the first day of Chinese New Year! =) Hope you had fun visiting your relatives and collecting hongbaos haha =) A lot of things happened today, both good and bad, and I won't really bother elaborating on them here cos it's a little personal. I do not own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5L3ySpFp1S0

Haha I was so sleepy yesterday I fell asleep before 12 and woke at 1 to find 3 CNY wishes in my inbox. =) Thanks so much YD and B and the J1 junior whom I don't really know haha =) I spammed wishes after that too. =) And I was really surprised to get so many replies throughout the day =) Thank you all so much!! =) It made me really happy haha.

Okayes kinda sleepy again now so I think I'll stop here. =) Short post, but Happy Bunny Year!! =)

SNSD - Run Devil Run (Japanese Version)

2011-01-30T11:17:00.002+08:00

I know I posted this song before, but since it's in Japanese now I should repost it again haha =) I do not own the copyright to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! And there a few amusing edited parts haha. =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rv5OPgXSPGo

I had a reaaaaaaaally long online convo with someone yesterday haha. =) From about maybe 11 to say 2.30am o.O But it was a very informative convo. And we totally talked rubbish after a while, like comparing our lameness index (on par, apparently) and stuff like how different/similar we are in terms of personality and our opinions of each other. And then somehow we progressed on to talking universities and stuff. My decision still remains as Singapore, if you were interested in knowing. =) It was a weird convo in the sense that I'm not actually sure if I learnt a lot more about that person, though technically I should have since we've never really talked much at all until the end of last year and start of this year, and it was always because of work. Haha I have no idea why I'm posting about the convo at all; I think it was meant to be private-ish. Oops. But I didn't give away much info at all. =) I think I should have a convo like this with Marshy one day. I think one of us would fall asleep first though haha. I was quite hyper last night because of my new headphones.

OHHH MY DARLING HEADPHONES =) HAHA. =) ATH SJ-55! =) I got the black ones in the end cos black is more practical. =) And though it still feels like one ear is louder or something it's still damn nice cos there's a slight noise-cancelling function since it's closed back and over-ear headphones plus I can set the volume on my com to like 1 or 2 and I can hear the song perfectly well o.o =) =) =) I lovies my new headphones I'll put a pic of them up soon~

CNY is coming! And I have no new shoes or jeans HAHA I'm in big trouble because I have no time to go buy them too =( Eeks.

YD keeps calling me cute. -.- I told her I'm not cute, because cute is ugly but adorable, and then she said I'm adorable. =) YD me loves you too hahaha =)

Okay! I should end here. OHHH but special mention goes out to my tutees too you two are just too nice to me...=) I will go revise physics so that i don' t teach you the wrong thing. =)

Taeyeon - If

2011-01-23T13:41:00.003+08:00

Teehee Saturday was fun. =) The previous tutoring sessions were never this fun HAHA. =) Apparently my tutee already saw me on the bus and wondered if I was gonna be her tutor, which turned out to be so in the end. And my two tutees are super fun and interested in improving their studies so it was very fulfilling to be able to help them. =) And we chem-ed a lot haha =) I love secondary school chem yay~

Maybe it was also because I knew more tutors there this time. I knew a couple last time too but I mostly only talked to Chloe-doey and her classmate. This time I have HY and Melly and two other people whom I know and can disturb so it was pretty interesting. Of course, it works two ways and I get disturbed too. -.- Nevertheless, it was fun!! =) I seem to have run out of adjectives.

Here's today's song! =) I don't own the song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2UkTwxSYEE

I be rushing out my HBL now. =( Sigh. I wanted to use the weekend to catch up on homework but this doesn't seem very possible now lol. Still, I don't regret spending the time tutoring yesterday, and the night watching movies with my yb =) Hope he feels better now~ I was completely talking rubbish yesterday hoping it would cheer him up. I think he laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. LOL.

I'll go back to GP and econs now, bye bye! There's a depression epidemic going around, don't let it get to you! =)

Kuramoto Yuhki - Paris in Winter (Orchestra)

2011-01-20T22:04:00.006+08:00

Today's song is Claire-bear's recommendation! =) I don't own the copyrights to the song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Z1U2OJm2OA

I think I made a lot of people worried regarding my recent depression episode...sorry! =( I'll pull myself together and start being the smiley laughing me soon, so don't worry about me any longer! =) I spent quite a while talking to a new friend today online and it was quite nice because we don't know much about each other, and he/she (I'm not telling who) let me talk whatever rubbish I wanted and replied quite fast and stuff...I didn't realise just now that he/she let me talk and didn't actually say much at all...thanks! =) Even though you'll probably never read my blog haha ^^

--the above is what I wrote yesterday and never posted--

Today was quite a fun day. =) We had the swimming test in the morning in the freezing cold pool and I sneezed a lot after that but am somewhat better now. =) And I passed HAHAHA despite doing funny things in the middle of the pool while waiting for Jojo to swim ahead of me. =) And switching from freestyle to froggy style and back and forth.

We mugged undone homework during break haha! =) So guai1~ and I awesomely forgot to bring my bio notes so I photocopied them from pages 15 to 40 and used them for lecture today. But we actually only reached about page 25 or something, I think. Don't tell the teachers. Heheh.

I took a lot of time off recently in the past few days to unwind because I think I'd really break down if I didn't...it's left my work lagging but I feel much better now. =) And I received a lot of encouragement from different groups of people, some of which were quite unexpected. I feel guilty for having made everyone worry, so I'll do my best not to be depressed any longer, and to (I quote someone) return to the laughing cheryl that I am. ^^

I should go do my work. Or at least copy the stuff from my photocopied bio notes into the actual notes haha. =) And write my thank-you notes to my awesome comm~ it's practically almost a week since ISYF ended already haha.

I think I'm secretly an arts person even though I seem to do better at science...arts as in the music kind, not so much the writing type. I really regret not joining a performing arts CCA in NY...I miss making music and dancing and stuff a lot. =( even though I'm not really good at it. Haha.

I'm the only one at home today! =( I'm sad. Talk to me if you see me online okay? =)

Bye bye!! =)

MBLAQ - Cry

2011-01-19T21:06:00.002+08:00

Very stressed because I can't keep up with the work after one week of lag...and I can't work without breaks even though I desperately want to...feel like crying whenever I head into a classroom for tutorials because I can't keep up and I can't even stay awake cos I'm too tired to...=( (hence the song title) My teacher scolded me for yawning too much...it's not as if I don't want to stay awake. I've been sleeping like six plus hours the past few nights which is way more than I did during ISYF (slept less than five hours for seven nights, about there) and I never collapsed then (though I came dangerously close on Saturday afternoon). It's not as if I could sleep more either because I'm either running around picking up stuff that I need (2011 diary, sweets to stay awake) or just doing my best to chiong work without dying. There's a billion and one other things that I need to settle as well...like choosing between H3 and my CCA, and arranging my CCA CIP and my SL project, amongst other stuff.

Anyway here's the link, I don't own the copyrights to the song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsAkCErP9uI

It would help if I looked forward to school, but I don't because I'm practically an invisible person in the class, unlike in ISYF, where my group would always say hi to me and talk to me and worry if I don't eat enough (I seriously love you guys so much =)), and the facils would always say hi and listen to my random nonsense and my comm will burst out laughing no matter what we're doing. It's not that I don't have friends in my class, but I get hurt when people look past me as if I'm not there. I don't even wave goodbye because it's weird to, even though we've been in the same class for almost a year. When I try to talk to people I seldom talk to, we either don't understand each other and it ends abruptly, or I just get a polite reply and it ends after that. I'm a very "people" person, so it was so uncomfortable (and still is) coming back to school that I feel suffocated; stifled. I'm not the person I really am in front of my class. I'm not some quiet mugger. I'm serious, but I like to have fun too, and I certainly don't mug.

I miss ISYF so damn much because I'm not invisible there. I'm a real person who can help out and who is needed. In my class, I'm expendable. I seriously hope no one from my group reads this.

One of the facils said that I like to "tank everything". That's not really true. It's only true in certain cases where I either don't trust the other people to do it, or if I know that they won't do it. In the case of last week, it was because I knew that everyone else was too tired to do it, so I volunteered to. It's not that I don't want to share the work, or that I think I could do a better job. It's just that I feel so guilty when I see them so exhausted yet not being able to rest that I want to take over their place and let them sleep instead. My reasons are completely selfish.

Another matter that I wanted to just...rant about was that sometimes, just sometimes, not all the time because it would hurt too much, I'd like to be able to read people's minds. I know that first impressions change, but is it out of politeness that you're nice to her, or is it because you found out that she's fun and thus genuinely like her? Then if you're nice to me, is it because you think I'm a fun person to be around, or is it because you're being polite to me? (I'm not talking about this in the romantic sense, but rather the making-new-friends sense. Don't think wrong. At this juncture, the thing I want least is to be misunderstood.) Is it then safe to trust that you really want to be friends with me, or am I deluding myself into a fantasy where I think everyone likes me? Am I really of some worth, or am I so worthless that everyone pities me and tries to be nice to me because they feel sorry for me?

Seriously, why am I wasting time thinking about this? Does this really matter? Does it matter whether I'm useful or not? It obviously doesn't. What the **** is wrong with me =(

I wasted 17 minutes (and counting) typing this post, hoping that it would make me feel better, but now I only feel even more confused. If I were any other person, would you have bothered to visit my blog?

I need to go and jump off a building or something.

SNSD - Gee (Jazz & Rock remix version)

2010-12-27T21:10:00.003+08:00

Hello~ =)

Christmas was fun! =) Haha. Played around with friends and my cousins, and tried to break up disputes between my youngest cousin and my niece. o.O Sigh. My niece was super adorable that day. On Christmas' Eve, she was hiding from us and we didn't really get to play with her but on Christmas Day she was running around hugging everybody. All you had to do was to catch her eye and open your arms and she'd come running to hug you. Heheh. =) And she was hugging people she didn't know too haha.

Played xbox on Boxing Day with Chloe and Marshy and got giddy after playing too much lol. Then Marshy stayed for lunch and she went home after that but came back again for study session today LOL. =) =) =)

There's a billion lot of undone homework and practically no time left to do it. I am in big, BIG trouble. =(

Haha I rebonded my hair today~ but it was very lightly rebonded? so there isn't much difference except for my fringe yups, 'cos it's now slanted towards the left. I'll probably comb it back straight down for a bit until it's less straight so that it can slant properly haha. =)

Here's today's song! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/ earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxHYRJHKNoU

Taeyeon - Santa Claus is coming to town

2010-12-19T01:22:00.003+08:00

Hello hello hello hello hello hello! =) I am obviously in a good mood for no reason. Lol I nearly typed 'mood good'. Oh well. =) Here's today's song! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ci2DLOxxU3k

Dadadums. Oh I know why I'm in a good mood. =) Marshy said she'd come over for Christmas!! =) You'd better not pangseh me again, Marshy, or... *fist* (haha does that sound familiar?)

I'm thinking of rebonding my hair again. o.O Should I? Haha kayes never mind that was a weird question. I miss everyone! I got Pling's adorable card in the mail today! =) =) THANK YOU PLING~ =) =) Haha I don't think I'm hardworking enough to get into medicine though. Heh.

When I was being bored in the afternoon because I didn't want to do work, I sang an incomplete version of 'Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer' in funny voices and used my phone to record it LOL. It shall be my personal piece of amusement haha. =) =) =) I've been practising Christmas songs lately so that I could try to record a medley and maybe upload it, but apparently I'm still quite sucky at it so I shan't try haha. I can only play Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman somewhat decently.

LOL I never finished this post, so I shall just end here and save the funny stuff for next time. =) bye bye!

Taeyeon - I love you

2010-12-15T01:28:00.002+08:00

Haha Yunnie introduced this song to me, so I shall put it here. =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLY2mzjPuWM

After reading Marshy's blog, I feel more contemplative. My yb keeps telling me that I change 180 degrees when I'm talking on the phone to strangers or like waiters or somebody else who isn't close to me. Then I thought a little more about it and realised it's quite true. When I'm stuck into a new social circle and have to make new friends, I tend to show a brighter and more easygoing side of myself, one who doesn't act cute but is super supportive and stuff like that. After that, I thought about celebrities and how they have to be entertaining on shows and all, and wondered what they really are like in real life. Does this make them schizo? Does this make me schizo? Lol. In the end, I simply concluded that we're just a bunch of really moody people. I'm introverted-turned-extroverted due to circumstances, but given the chance, I'd gladly withdraw back into my shell like the escapist I am. Then again, it doesn't mean that the extrovert side of me is fake. It's not really fake...it's more like the more confident me who only pops up now and then. It's still me, just that it's a different me. Maybe it's the side I hide. I don't know. =( I just don't like thinking that I'm schizo.

Marshy said that we're both mildly depressed. Insomnia is apparently a symptom of depression, which could explain why I'm still wide awake at 1:34 am (current time) typing this post. The simpler and more likely explanation is that I screwed up my sleep cycle. =)

I seriously need lunch with someone OUTSIDE of my family, and OUTSIDE of the house, with lots of ice cream and sugar and stuff that I like to eat. I had dinner outside and took pictures of myself (they're private-d on fb so tell me if you want to see them haha!) but it wasn't very fun since it was with family. I want someone to distract me and someone to show me that I can lean on them if I need to, any time I want to. If someone were to come up and hug me now I'd seriously start crying because I'd be that touched and overwhelmed. I'm sick and tired of standing by myself picking up other people's messes. It's like trying to walk to the horizon. I'm never going to finish this, and I'm so exhausted I can't stand upright on my own any more. Sometimes I just feel like giving up and falling into the mess and disappearing amongst it. Why can't someone else clean up the mess for a change? Why do you always see what I don't do, and not what I have done?

I'm sorry I'm depressed. =( I'd better end here. =)

Taeyeon & The One - Like a Star

2010-12-07T22:10:00.002+08:00

Here's today's song! I do not own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0BD0T-X_Co

Today we did CIP! =) Me and Jojo. It was quite fun, except for the part where your feet hurt and when you think that you're going to go deaf from the ringing. (SO THERE, MARSHY.) And you'll probably meet two types of people while asking for donations: the type who thank you for doing such a great job and wish you "God Bless", and the type who just donate for the sake of getting something in exchange. There's no real right or wrong, but the former are much more preferable? Haha. =)

And then there was this very nice guy who came over to us and gave us free drinks because we seemed tired, I guess. Heheh he was funny. =) Jojo and I thought he wasn't serious at first, but he was. =) That was one of the high points of the day.

We also became something like a concierge when people kept asking us for directions haha. Some we knew, some we didn't, so most of the time we ended up apologising haha. We've decided to bring a map on Thursday so we can help more people. =) =)

In between our shifts we went shopping at Uniqlo! =) Finally got Joey a jacket, and my yb a T-shirt heheh. =) Jojo got an awesome blue jacket for sale too. =) I shall smile at her when she wears it because it's BOO. Haha. =) Sighs I'm so tempted to get more jackets haha.

I went out with my mum on Sunday too! =) We bought a blue and white T-shirt thingy that's supposed to look vaguely like a navy-ish thing because there're gold buttons on the shoulder and this badge to pin on it. And I have another new blue vest thingy. =) =) =) Lots of new blue and white clothes! Happy~ I wanna wear them soon!

I shall end now because I still have a billion and one things to do. =( Going out with HM and WT tomorrow to shop for open house! =)

4 Minute - Creating Love

2010-11-26T22:42:00.002+08:00

Haha you might find this song familiar. =) It's a light-hearted song which doesn't exactly suit my rather down mood now, but I hope it'll cheer you up like it did for me! =) I don't own the copyrights of the song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeHRuPzml9c

Marshy's being rather philosophical on her blog, so I'll be rather...simple (?) on mine haha. Simple-minded me. Heheh. As usual, there's lots going on, and everyone's busy and uncooperative, or doing their best to be. Life's hard but we've gotta keep moving on~

After searching for songs suitable to be played at the D&D, I realised that I've learnt a lot of bad things along the way 'cos of the lyrics, and that I over-think the lyrics. Maybe. I'm not sure about that. But you've read too many of such lyrics I guess you can't help but get suspicious -.-

Oh and congrats to my cousin for doing well in PSLE!! =) Haha I'll see you on Christmas Day for dinner, I think? =)

I need to lose weight. Blehs. I'm becoming as round as a taiko. And probably heavier than one.

Life's a bit too short to be wasted on homework. HAHA. I'll do my best to finish all my holiday homework, though! I've totally lost my motivation to be an independent worker after I entered JC. Somehow, even though I have really good friends in my JC class, it's still not comparable to my secondary school class where we really pulled each other along, especially during stuff like 2.4km for NAPFA (literally pull) and when mugging for major exams where we have study dates and phone calls and we just blab facts to each other in class. Sigh. I'm not close enough to do that with my JC class yet, and I highly doubt I'll be even at the end of the next year. One year from now, assuming I pass through my As safely, I'll probably think back and wonder how I never got close to a group of people I'm with almost on a daily basis. I hope this is a pessimistic view. Most people would suggest that I take the initiative, but I have, on some cases, and it didn't work out. I'm not the type who's thick-skinned enough to try over and over, so it's usually a one-shot chance. Seems like there's no fate between us. Heheh. Marshy don't think too much.

Okay! I should end here. =) Bye bye~

SNSD - Hoot

2010-11-23T21:17:00.002+08:00

Since Marshy likes the song so much...haha! =)

I don't own the copyrights to the song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4-SxcCO5d0

Like I told Jojo, after seeing the long list of people who were accepted for the university H3 programmes, and finding many of the names familiar, I can't help but feel guilty over the fact that I didn't do well for promos at all. I certainly scraped through, but the only subject that I kept my usual mark in was Chemistry, and even for that, I could have done a lot better if I was a lot less careless.

If I complain here that I'm depressed, Jess will just whack me again, so I shan't. There's the lame saying that says that our eyes and ears face front because we're meant to walk forward, you know? That's what I'll do for now, I think. I don't have any concrete plans as of yet, but I'm going to finish all the assigned homework and try to squeeze in some revision time too, though I think that's quite hard because I've wasted too much time slacking already. Argh.

Being stuck in the house for so long is making me feel rather restless, but every time I go out I waste the whole day away. =( I need a study session! Anyone wanna come to my house to study? =) =) =) I think I'm supposed to invade Chloe's or Claire's house or something. And Marshy is supposed to come over next week or next next week.

There's another taiko workshop next week! Hope it goes well. =) I feel very bad because I keep changing stuff last-minute for the instructor. Sigh. But she's been very nice about it.

I shall stop here cos I needa go bathe. =) Bye bye~

G.NA - Supa Solo

2010-11-14T21:51:00.002+08:00

There's a bug in my room eating my BRAND-NEW handphone cover. -.- We haven't caught it yet. I can't believe I'm sleeping with it. Argh.

On the bright side, camp is over! I've never really liked camp, but the past few activities and stuff that I've taken part in have forced me to work with new people and play with them, so I'm getting somewhat less introverted. I mean, after joining a new class in which I know practically no one, bonding with 11 other people for two days is not hard at all. And because I don't know them, I don't want to show my weak side to them, so the high elements didn't go that badly either.

Claire-bear, you're right. =D Bloody Monday is AWESOME. Hahahaha. =)

I'm stuffed full of work to do that I have not been doing. This is really bad. Sighs. CCA stuff is drowning me, and I still have to worry about the undone NRP stuff and my undone homework, though I think I'll shove homework aside for now. At most I'll just steal someone's. =) In fact, I'm slacking off. I should go and die.

What else...I love you guys and you'd better turn up on Sunday. =) This is not a threat lols.

I SHOULD GO BATHE AND PLAN CIP STUFF AND DO HOMEWORK. I SHALL NOT SLEEP TONIGHT. =D

OHH we went cycling at ECP on Weds and I got super sunburnt and it hurts. =( And I got injured during camp cos the raffia was too tight and my whole left ankle is bruised in the front, and the harness cut me and the area around the cut is nice and red, like my sunburn. I'm a walking calamity. Oh and I cut myself (poked, rather) on a rusty wire fence during camp while cheering for people and it bled. I wonder if I got tetanus. But the only thing that's changed since camp is that my appetite's grown. O.O

Here's the link! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7UC0sO1lbE

May'n - Shinjite miru

2010-11-11T20:16:00.002+08:00

I haven't advertised Japanese songs for ages, so today's a nice change. =) It's the theme song of Incite Mill, which is an AWESOME movie. You should seriously watch it with someone else though, so that you can hide behind them when it comes to the scary parts. Other than that, the suspense and thrill is totally, totally AWESOME. =) It's a really cool adrenaline ride.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwtCXK7GgpM

Harrumphs. What shall I write about? I should really get down to work and stop slacking off eheheh. =) I'm a naughty kid. But I also want to meet up with all the people whom I miss lots and to just spend some time with them, one-on-one rather than in a group...really really miss you guys (girls actually). Maybe we should go watch Incite Mill =D. And hold onto each other HAHA.

Really glad that PW's over, whatever grade I end up getting. =) After OP I was so tired I slept for more than 12 hours straight...could be because I went out with Zee and JX too, but I've never slept so much recently. Making up for all the lost sleep I guess.

I should start doing homework. Even though I'm not gonna do homework I'll say bye. =) BYE BYE =)

Falling in love with a friend - Ryeowook & Beige

2010-11-04T13:33:00.008+08:00

Zee recommended this song. =) I do not own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! Lol. =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gumEzK2VuoE

Zee's reading K-IDOLS. Maybe someone is jealous HAHA. =) =) =) I pray he never reads my blog. Zee you'd better not tell him. Or we'll spill more of your secrets. Teehee.

Sigh we were supposed to rehearse OP today, but etgstte (Zee's new word) happened?? (is it a verb or noun or adjective??) and we didn't do anything. My CCA problem is solved!! SUPER HAPPYYYY. =) I'll have two good friends at the workshop yays. =) Jojo and HM! Yay. =)

My right hand is freezing so I'm typing really slowly. The new com lab is really pretty. =) Haha. And as I predicted, the *ahem* was a sham after all haha. Oh well! Zee says we'll be going to treat ourselves ice cream later haha since the ice cream treat didn't work out after all. I should try new flavours right? Hmms. But I don't wanna grow fat and die of a heart attack! Plus I've been spending a lot of money recently. =( I wanna save money and buy nice headphones!!

I'm listening to Yiruma's Kiss the Rain now...I really want to learn new songs on the piano and play them!! =( But the songs are either too hard cos I'm too sucky =( or I can't find nice suitable ones.

Apparently the latest fad is to write letters to your friends' boyfriends, for reasons I will never understand. Jojo tried to use it as a reason to tell me to get a boyfriend -.- but I highly doubt that will ever happen. For some reason, I tend to put people off. Teehee. I shall remain single and happy and with lots of money WAHAHAHAHA.

you wait ah,cheryl!!! (zee wrote that, not me)

Okay I'll wait. =) I still bet you'll get married first. Haha. And then you'll perform at your wedding, and I'll fancam you. =D I'm your...no. 2 fan!

It's so quiet in the computer lab and I'm the only one typing. I shall stop here then. =)

EDITED (add-on)

I'm seriously mad again. OMG. And I thought today was gonna turn out great because all the CCA stuff has been settled. OMG.

I spent last night rushing out PW stuff (fine, so I admit I slacked in between, but I DID get the stuff done) but somehow it's a Herculean task to look at something that I edited and to check if it's all right. OMG. I never knew that. Seriously. It's a mean feat alone to open a powerpoint document and to *gasp* press F5 to run through the slides. OMG.

Maybe we should all go jump down buildings first, you know? Our lives have been already been shortened enough by worms anyway.

Things I want to do if I have a lover - Yoseob (Beast) & GaYoon (4Minute)

2010-11-02T20:04:00.006+08:00

I had a lot of fun cursing printers today (yesterday, actually)! =( The entire server was super slow because everyone was rushing out their printing jobs...In the end I spent close to three hours printing. First, I went to the library. I expected to wait one hour before my stuff was printed, and I did wait about that long, but the bestest best part was that while it was churning out my document, some smart person went and CANCELLED MY PRINTING JOB. I'm assuming it's a person, because then I wouldn't be able to kill them. If it were the printer, then I'll have to smash it to bits. Yeah. -.-

So then I headed down to the new computer lab and tried to print my stuff, but cos the server was super slow it took nearly another one hour or more to print the document. -.- At this point, I smsed my PW group member to say "the printers of the world are against me -.-" and they instantly came to find me omg. I was very touched haha. Thank you!!

The rest of the day was relatively okay. I did something bad but I shan't post it here because then everyone will know and I will get into trouble. Eeyer. Lol.

I'm mad at the same few people again. HM and Zee and Jojo probably know who they are. If you think you're part of the bunch, then be careful, because you still have to meet with me for the rest of this year and half of next year. WAHAHAHAHAHAHA. =D

Jess is beside me. =) haha. Hi Jess~

I had a very nice breakfast today. I like Yamazaki and then the two French words behind it which I cannot pronounce. It has a super nice bread smell when you walk past and the bread and pastries are super super nice. =)

I know what I want for Christmas! =)

Here's today's link! I think the two people singing are very cute haha (as in their interactions). I don't own the copyrights of the song and neither am I earning/attempting to earn any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zW9GIPfF-mo&feature=related

Anaesthesia - Hwa Yo Bi

2010-10-30T16:17:00.002+08:00

If Thursday was a terrible day, I really liked Friday. =)

First, in the morning, we had a weird time when bio lecture changed to mass bio tutorial and we went through MCQ. Nearer the end, I started writing a letter to Chloe-doey instead. =) Then I finished the letter, and while trying to balance my laptop and file in one arm, was attempting to finish folding the letter when I met her on the staircase, so I just chucked it at her and asked her to finish folding it hahaha. =) I'm bad.

After that was PE! It was supposed to be a talk, but since the hall was filled with tables and chairs for As, the talk was cancelled and our teacher asked us if we wanted to do anything else. As I was clothed in PE attire since no one had told me that he had said we needn't wear it -.- I asked if we could borrow a basketball since Zee, JX and Jojo had either brought/could change to PE attire, so we played basketball in the court. While waiting for them to finish changing, I shot quite a few baskets and was feeling rather pro. =) HAHA. Then two guys came and tried to steal the half court from me, but I refused to budge so they left. Yay. =)

After that we played 2 vs 2, which was quite lame haha. As we were about to leave because it was super super hot, our PE teacher came and said that he wanted to play with us, so we played some more. In the end we 4 vs him but still lost sighs. Jojo bargained so that we would start with an advantage of 3 points and play to 8 points haha. But we still lost 8 to 10 because of deuces and stuff. And if you take away the 3 we lost 5-10, and he actually let us win at the start so that he could teach us stuff like defending and blocking later. Haha he's a very nice PE teacher though. =) And he cheats too. LOL. If he still teaches us next year, we've promised ourselves that we're gonna own him hahaha. =) Shall win him 5-10.

What else...oh and after school I went to buy new uniform with my mum. =) I feel somewhat glad that the size 28 skirt is too big for me at the waist and hips haha. =) Means that I'm not very big-sized, luckily. I've been growing fatter because of JC ugh. And I'm very amused that the skirt is so fat and short o.o Do they really think we're so fat and short? Evil peebles.

Here's today's song and I don't own the copyrights to this song, and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! =) I just like the drama haha.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdBV8k-Ozz8&feature=related

Mistake - SNSD

2010-10-28T08:54:00.003+08:00

First I must write that I made a mistake and that I didn't actually get 94th percentile for GP LOL. Oops. =) I actually got 90th percentile. Dropped by 4%. Luckily they moderated GP so I still got my B though. Heh. =)

Zee is staring at me and wondering why I'm typing so fast. LOL. HI ZEE. I'm not even typing the proper way that you're supposed to type. Heehee. =)

Listening to Sprinter by Kalafina now. Haven't listened to it for a long time. Haha. I shall go listen to my piano covers (lousy piano cover HAHA) now. Okay I think I'm quite high. I blame the Milo. Zee says I have spasm-ing fingers. -.- I gave her that look. Heehee. If you were wondering, I'm listening to "without z" now haha and realised that I can play it much better now. I shall record again. =) And I still haven't mastered Yiruma's songs yet...quite sad.

Later I have a dental appointment at 4.40pm. Sighs. I have no idea what colour to change my braces too. It'll probably end up being the darker blue again. Haha. Or maybe I'll change to pink or something. Then Zee will kill me. Zee's featuring a lot in my blog today. Zee stop staring at my blog LOL. If not I'll really change it to pink. Since I won't see it much anyway. =D

Jojo just came by and complained that 90th percentile is high. Ignore her. She probably got like 90-something percentile for everything else. So yeah. Our triple A battery -.- but she's going to make some new record by getting like 5 As and making an AAAAA battery. It'll be very small, I think (referring to the battery). Zee says it'll be a microchip.

This is a running live commentary. Quick say whatever you want LOL. This post doesn't make much sense. I think it's because I'm in school. o.O

Here's today's schedule: slack, slack and slack some more. Then do PW.

I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOCkrs0l7dg

River flows in you - Yiruma

2010-10-23T11:36:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I shouldn't even bother studying any more, I think. What's the point of trying if it doesn't make any difference? I might as well have gone and just gotten Us all the way. At least there'd be an explanation for that. But I TRIED. I TRIED SO FREAKING HARD I FELL SICK FROM THE STRESS and I blew up at people and I didn't sleep and I had to hide all the stuff away after promos because I couldn't stand seeing it and IN THE END I STILL FAILED. I COULDN'T EVEN GET A FREAKING D for ECONS, WHICH I GOT A FOR IN THE PAST TWO LECTURE TESTS!!

My mum just told me to try harder next year. But why bother trying? There's not going to be any difference. I've already reached the limits of my mental capacity to handle the work and the stress. I really can't take it any more. Even though in the end I still did better than half the cohort in terms of overall, it's not enough for me. I want to be at least better than 3/4 of the cohort. I don't give a **** that I'm in the 94th percentile for GP. It's a stupid subject that I never studied for anyway.

Or maybe I really didn't try hard enough. But it's econs. It's something I understand but can't phrase well. And I did worse than more than half the cohort. I really really can't take it already. Every time I log onto ISP and see that E there, I just start crying, plus it isn't even a high E. People whom I owned in lecture tests all did better than me. I don't get it. What happened? Did I screw my brain on wrongly?

I just want to go back to sleep and not let this happen. This is wrong. Utterly wrong. I don't believe it.

I can feel my leg going numb from poor blood circulation. I want my heart to go numb; my brain to go numb. Then I can stop thinking about it. I don't want to feel it. I don't want to know it. I don't want to know that of all exams, I screwed up in the most major one. I don't want to believe that I'm stupid. I'm not stupid. I'm not. I'm really not. I'm not. I'm not stupid.

I'll have to keep telling myself that. But it's such a lie.

I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhN7SG-H-3k&feature=related

Beast/B2ST - Shock

2010-10-19T20:22:00.003+08:00

I seriously have no idea what song to put here, so I'm putting some of my CCA mates and my sabbat instructor's favourite song haha. =) It's quite nice to dance to, I guess. And I'm irritated so it's a good song to match my mood. Sort of. I'm freaking pissed at ***holes who USE me to save their sorry ***es and don't even bother to say thank you. *beep* is such a *beep*. (I can't write what because if I do, you'll know who they are and then it'll end up being cyber-bullying or something -.-)

Anyway here's the song and I don't own the copyrights to the song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXxGo1MvNls

Moving on~

CCA was a failure today. We got chased out of the room. -.- And they weren't exactly nice about it either.

There's a huge bunch of people I want to kill, or yell at (not necessarily my CCA people). But if I do, it'll probably take more than a day to scold them. **** them. (The number of expletives I'm using...)

Whoever invented this stupid thing is going to get it from me. What's the point of punishing the good students who save other people's sorry ***es and then end up failing their promos? HUH HUH HUH?? WTF. And the selfish people just get away scot-free. Freaking PISSED.

If you dare to declare to me that you're proud of your amateur-ish five minute piece of work, be prepared to die. Slack off one more time and I swear that you're gonna end up in hell. I don't freaking care if the teacher yells at me or gives me demerit points. I've put up with enough rubbish from ALL of you. Why should I shorten my life for the likes of you? You're ****ing not worth it. (Oh my. Luckily I self-censor. Heh.) At all.

Okay maybe I should end here before I emo any further. -.- Thanks to those who listened to me to me rant. Today's just not my day. My back's only getting worse and my patience is wearing thin. Don't think I'm happy when I laugh. There's a knife hidden behind my smile (direct translation lol). Be prepared.

Shinee - Hello

2010-10-17T22:20:00.002+08:00

Here's today's song! =) And haha some of you might know the reason why I picked this song. Teehee. I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skZxb5sBoiU

Anyway, I spent my weekend at work camp in the boarding school! It was my first time staying overnight in the boarding school so it was quite cool. And the place is generally nice except for the food and the obvious lack of fans, -.- It was like sleeping in a sauna argh. Plus I missed my family and my two fans HAHA. =) My air-con's been spoilt for a long time so I don't really miss it that much.

Also to those who got worried when I sat out the ice-breakers halfway and stuff, really, really thanks for your concern! =) I'm almost perfectly fine. It was healing, I think (my tailbone? haha I have no tail~) until I kinda disturbed it while being too enthusiastic during the game. So by leaving it alone now it should be okay soon. =) I'm still perfectly mobile, don't worry. =) And to my awesome sub-comm who actually gets my lame jokes (my class just gives me the -.- look, and my CCA and dearest exco will just do the helpless laughter thing) haha thank you a lot too! I think after the night I probably sweated out whatever excess heat I absorbed from the Botanic Gardens game so I'm fine now too. =) Sigh I should really stop making all the other people worry about me.

Lots of stuff to be done by tomorrow, but I'm too tired to do and I don't know how to do. Being in the company of super smart people recently has made me feel even dumber. I'm sinking because I'm too dense. SIGH.

I'll plan super fun stuff for my dear dear darling CCA on Tuesday, so you must all APPEAR =)

The One feat. Taeyeon - You Bring Me Joy

2010-10-10T21:31:00.003+08:00

Promos are finally over! =) I really tried hard to study, but somehow I still screwed up. And I think I was really depressed on Friday when everyone was eating and celebrating...like really depressed. It was quite bad. I was trying to be happy but somehow it kept nagging at me. Then I was tuning out Jojo and Zee and JX while they chattered away and worried about me cos I was being emo...I'm sorry! =(

Anyway, I'm trying to distract myself now with things like going out so that I don't think too much. Once I get too much time to think, like now, I get depressed again, and I don't want to be, because there's so much to look forward to, like sabbats, and too many people who worry about me. So I'm gonna keep smiling okay? =) Going to keep looking for things that I like and stuff. =) Going to keep on smiling for you guys and for myself. =) I'm not going to let anyone down any more.

I wonder how many people really know me well...heh. I like hugs. =) I think I've mentioned that before. I went around asking for hugs from my friends after maths. I think I got about three. Two were voluntarily given and one I asked for...haha. =) I think I went "Hug Me!" or something LOL. So embarrassing. I have the mental age of a three-year-old. But I like hugs, so I shan't stop asking for them. =)

Going out with Chloe-doey for lunch tomorrow! =) Looking forward to it. Maybe we'll do fun stuff and go shopping! =) WHEE. =)

Here's today's link! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I earning/attempting to earn any money by doing this! I just read a forum that posted about how Taeyeon can't sing, but to me she's still a good singer, and she sang this when she was fifteen, so o.o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBGZT9xsWYc

Kiss the Rain - Yiruma

2010-09-11T01:22:00.002+08:00

Anyway, how I first started listening to Yiruma's pieces recently is a long story that I shan't bother to elaborate on cos it's quite lame haha =) but anyway I really, really like the piano pieces that he plays. I first listened to "River Flows in You", and this one is "Kiss the Rain". I really really like both (as I said, I'm in love with the piano again, but at the wrong time) and lament over the fact that my fingers are too short for me to play well. =( Anyway I don't own the copyrights to the song, and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCSe66pWNmc&feature=related

And Happy Hari Raya Adilfitri Z! =) haha I shall go visit you tomorrow! Hopefully with ice-cream if I can find it and run to your house and before that meet Jojo at the MRT station on time!

I've been trying to study for promos, but somehow I still lack that determination. It's not that I don't know how important promos are, but when I realise how much there is to study, and how much I don't understand, and yet, how little time there is left, I just feel like giving up, because no matter how hard I study, it's not really going to make a difference. I might as well go throw myself off a HDB building or something because that's how my promo grades are going to end up either way: in hell. It's really depressing. Why are our lives centered around grades? It's sick to think about it. People fight for survival, we fight for what, As??!! Something's screwed up here.

Shan't think too much about it and will just remain status quo for now. Am I being too cheem? I hope not. =( I just feel like complaining. Typical behaviour of our country's citizens, I'm assuming. =) Teehee. Been watching Liar Game recently too. I'm an honest person, but I'll lie when I have to. So now, if I tell you I'm fine, will you believe me? o.O

Love or Lies - Capsule

2010-09-03T22:14:00.002+08:00

Actually I haven't listened to this song (or maybe I have but forgotten what it sounds like) but it was used in Liar Game so it must be nice. =) Liar Game: The Final Stage is a SUPER NICE movie; you MUST go watch when the DVD comes out okay? =) It's SUPER NICE. =) Anyway, I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQnlAPetJ3Y&feature=related

I have two purposes of blogging today: one is over a happy incident and one is over an incident that made me irritated. Let's start off in chronological order, so it'll be the happy incident first. =)

Me and my project partner went to a certain university to meet up with our mentor in his office. But because going to his office is like navigating a super confusing super luan4 maze, we got lost. Then this very nice guy, probably a professor?, looked and me and recognised my school and said it very cheerfully, "*** *****!" After that, he asked us where we were going and we told him, only to find out that we were going the wrong way. So he very kindly told us to follow him and brought us all the way to our mentor's office, which was quite far from where we met him, and even knocked on the door for us and announced our arrival even though there was another student meeting my mentor inside the room o.o haha super nice professor =) =) =) I don't know what his name is, but I hope I get to meet him again! =) It's nice to meet such high-up people who are, well, nice.

Then the second not-nice incident. I was on a MRT train with my project partner again, and again going to find our mentor. The train was slowing down because it was going to stop at a station, and I was in the middle part of the door there, next to the handrail. I suddenly remembered that I needed to send an sms, so I was smsing, when this quite old guy (an uncle) took one step closer to me, but didn't do anything other than that, so since I wasn't sure what his intention was, I just continued smsing. But then he started banging my leg with his bag -.- so I looked up for a bit and he told me in Mandarin (Chinese is a race) something along the lines of "xiao mei, you better move, later the train stop then I bang into you and you fall down". In other words, he wanted me to shift so that he could get out of the train. Here, I got angry. Normally if people bother to say excuse me, I'll move instantly, smsing or not, and even say "sorry". But if you say this kind of thing to me, when you didn't even bother to say excuse me and even banged your bag against me so many times, then I'm really gonna be mad. GAH. Stupid guy. I'm not sure if you'll agree with my way of thinking, given that we're supposed to be polite to our elders and all (AND I AM), but this is how I really felt then. GAH.

Last day of Term 3! D-Day to promos is in about four weeks. Sigh.

Genie - SNSD

2010-08-28T07:25:00.002+08:00

Haha this is actually quite funny =) cos normally I wouldn't post songs like these, since not many people like them (and neither do I really like it either) but I decided to since it sounds funny o.o compared to the original version, that is. And if you read the versions that have been subbed, it's even funnier. =) oops. Teehee. =) I don't own the copyrights of this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning money from doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Rz0VmR9nAE

As for the issue that I was emo-ing about in the previous post, it's been resolved - sort of. And I've figured out that it's partially my fault that it arose in the first place, though I still think that it was the middleman's fault. Hmph. I mean seriously! Even if you need more "competition", couldn't you at least wait until like you assessed the "applied" first before going out to source for recommended talents? Seriously! Anyway's it's been resolved with two becoming three? o.o so yeaah, Kind of weird, but I guess it's the best solution.

What else...haha I think I need to go soon, actually. =) So I shall go change and stuff now and hope to be back soon! =) Yay it's a nice weekend, sort of. =)

Skyline - Taeyeon

2010-08-24T20:14:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling really depressed now...my depression hasn't sunken in for a while because I haven't been thinking about it...I have no idea why being honest can hurt so badly. Why is it wrong to be honest and to do what you want? Why do YOU always have to take away something from me that I want so much, but that you claimed you didn't? (This sounds like some triangle relationship haha but it isn't about people, so don't worry.) Why do they always trust you so much more than they trust me? And YOU, is it fair to ask people to help and then go and seek out the person you specifically want to help you instead? I thought it was supposed to be a fair playing field! Obviously it isn't, I see. Obviously we should never believe anyone, because being honest hurts YOU, and no one in their right mind except naive old me would actually go and do such a thing. FINE I GET IT I'M STUPID AND YOU'RE SMART. CAN YOU FREAKING STOP BULLYING ME ALREADY???? YOU HAVE SO MANY THINGS I'LL NEVER HAVE NO MATTER HOW HARD I WORK, HOW HARD I TRY BECAUSE I ALREADY LOST TO YOU IN THE FIRST STUPID PLACE! THEN WHY Do YOU STILL HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME?? (Actually, now that I think about it, it's not really your fault. It could have been mine. But there's a middleman who served as the initial spark to set everything off. I'll blame him instead.)

Now I'm really in no mood to do any work at all. I just feel like elmo-ing in a corner eating chocolate and growing into a fat pig or something. Seeing my closest friends being unhappy and depressed is affecting me negatively as well...I never knew I was so easily influenced. I wanted to stay strong for them; to keep smiling so that they would smile too; to keep on trying and not stop so that I could pull them along with me...I guess I'm just a freaking failure after all.

I know I promised Claire-beary I wouldn't emo on my blog but I'm really upset and I don't want to make ** even more depressed so there's no other outlet, really...the people whom I usually talk to about such stuff aren't online and wouldn't really understand it anyway. I tried to bottle it up but I nearly cried on the bus on the way home (IN PUBLIC. -_-) and then I realised that I couldn't. I'm talking to someone now but I don't dare to tell her...it seems like such a small insignificant matter to disturb her with when she's so busy too.

Okay to cheer you guys up after my emo post here's a nice happy song! =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! =) You can watch it; Taeyeon's really cute in the video haha. =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5m9hR_ooPD0&feature=related

Stop the Time - Davichi

2010-08-22T10:39:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'm putting too much on my already rather full plate at the buffet of opportunities, especially since there are others who may be better for it than I am and are more appreciative of it, but lately things have taught me that I should just go and try.

There was a stupid error so my whole blog post is gone. Now I'm majorly irritated. Not going to bother to type it out again. Something about being happy that Jojo's back, that Marshy and Clairebear love me lots, and that I'm irritated and supposed to have three meetings at the same time tomorrow but no news from two of them. THE END.

I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4D3aGrLV6g

Thank you - 2PM

2010-08-19T22:11:00.006+08:00

Yes I know that I normally say that I don't like guy groups (if there're girl groups then there are guy groups right? haha =) or boy bands, whatever.) but I stumbled across this song and I was reading the English translations of the lyrics and it really suits what I wanna tell all of you so I decided I'd link it here. =) Though it's more of a romantic song (AHEM to the AHEM number of AHEM couples out there nowadays...) I see it in purely a friendship capacity (and that's why I'm scandal-proof - note, it's not scandal-free; it's even better than that, scandal-proof WAHAHA) and thus it is extremely suitable. Yay. (Okay I'm not thinking logically.) Anyway here's the song and I do not own the copyrights to this song and neither am I earning/attempting to earn any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QncEbDdIWc

Yun asked me to update so I shall. =) YUN YOU'RE IN EXCOOOOOOO!! CONGRATSSSS!!! =)

Me happy. =) I really wanna do the dinner and dance for ISYF but I don't really want to emcee (even though I kinda like emcee-ing but at the same time I don't think I'm a good emcee so...) but I wanna plan dinner and dance! =(

Feeling depressed now though Marshy said I'm not because she says so but I AM and I really feel like crying sometimes. Okay, not sometimes, a LOT of times. =( I'm still not as close to my class as I was to thirteeners and in my class, it's more of me looking after other people though there are people who look after me...but they don't see the warning signs as early and as easily as people like Claire-bear do...oh beep toot beep why am I suddenly crying ***. Gahh. Can't cry. I can't always be so immature. (74 if you read this it's not cos of you guys okay? =) I really love you all too, but it's just that you occupy a different spot in my heart...maybe the atrium or something, and thirteeners are the ventricles. I dunno.)

Should I end here? I need to do PW. I really wanna sit down with a bunch of people who baby me and then have a nice long crying and complaining session to get rid of all this built-up stress, or I might really explode or break down one day, and then it'll take me a long while to recover. I hate JC. Seriously. Why can't we go back to life in secondary school where everything was innocent and I didn't have to deal with so much politics and interpersonal relations (though my interpersonal communication skills were quite good...I think it's just that when I deal with people of the opposite gender with the exception of my brothers then things start going downhill) and then KABOOM. Sigh.

Boa Kwon - No. 1

2010-08-10T23:13:00.002+08:00

I'm inspired to write today because of the many falls I took today o.o though I emerged relatively unharmed from both of them, just that I got people staring at my wet shirt -.- and the weird thing was that it was women who were staring, not guys. MAN this is weird. O.O Maybe they felt sorry for me haha. =)

Okay here's today's song! I heard it a long time ago, not sure whether it was in Korean or Japanese, but I'm posting the Japanese version. =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning money by doing this! I actually know how to embed videos, but I shan't. =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lVIt4lDDa4

Today I went ice-skating with my class for GEMS...some people are really good at it -.- then some aren't too good at it but rapidly improve (those are the ones I really want to kill) and then the people like me who just randomly struggle and try not to fall and can move around independently. It was quite fun =) and I'd like to thank all the people who towed me around and helped me up when I fell and asked if I was okay. =) Thank you!!

Yes Claire-bear you're an awesome person too =) My personal counsellor hahaha. I think I've been babied too much by the thirteeners, which may kind of explain why it took me a long time to adjust to JC when no one babies me (oh but my OG did though haha. Am I like a small kid? I think so.). I have to admit that I like being babied even though it's not a good thing. I like to be protected, but I want to protect others as well. Babies see lots of things that adults don't sometimes. =)

And then...I don't know, some people just surprise me a lot .Sometimes we're close, sometimes we're just super far apart as if we're complete strangers. I don't want it to be that way. =( And some of my friends are drifting away...really scared of losing them. But suddenly some who were quite far overseas drift back closer...and I can't help but feel surprised and happy. Can I be a magnet and pull all of you closer (selfishly) because I really want everyone to be close by my side? I don't wanna lose anyone whom I really care for. Suddenly feel like crying. =( Even though I never used to cry because of movies and music, I think those two are my main triggers recently. And anger as always, of course.

Okay, I should go now. =) It's getting late. =) Bye bye~! It's likely that I'll see you in school tomorrow.

Stand up for Love - Davichi, Taeyeon, Sunye

2010-08-06T15:29:00.002+08:00

I really like this song =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I earning/attempting to earn money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvL80Nmx25g

Haha I'm finally blogging after so long =) Mainly cos Z said that she was gonna blogged about how she scammed me -.- I refuse to admit that I was scammed. I was gonna tell her that there are no volatile compounds or easily flammable stuff in hair gel, but I didn't get a chance to! Hmph. And thanks for the ice cream treat! =) =) =)

Jojo be careful (not to fall in love with someone over there) on your trip and have lots of fun! =) Don't forget us while you're there okay? We'll continue your legacy of sitting in the front row. =) Haiz quite mad at myself for certain things today. =(

I was being high today and bouncing around with my class while singing National Day songs as loudly as I could...Z said something that really touched me ^^. =) She said something like, "...been really nice to me and let me meet all the nice people in this world. Almost everyone always has a motive; it's hard to meet really sincere people in this world. I'm very lucky."

Thinking about it...yeah it's quite true. =) When I first came to my current school, I was very upset because after the high-ness of my OG, I didn't know anyone in my class and I was almost always off by myself or going to find thirteeners. Then Jojo asked me to sit with her during breaks and eat lunch together, and I made friends with Z and JX too, and now the four of us are always together in class. The thirteeners, especially Marshy and Claire-bear, would know that I always need companionship. I'm the kind of person who would probably die if I was left alone in this world with no one else, even if there was enough food and water and all. So I'm really happy that I have these three people in class who helped to make school bearable for me, and also to all the lovely thirteeners who say hi to me and play around with whenever they see me in school. =) =) Love you all so much!

Glamorous Sky - Nakashima Mika

2010-07-20T23:17:00.002+08:00

Feeling very stressed recently...and certain people are not helping -.- And seriously! You complain and rant, and then when I try to be nice to you, you just brush me off? WTH? O_O I'm not gonna be nice to you again! HMPH. (being childish here.)

Here's today's song! It's a little more upbeat, but doesn't exactly match my mood, but never mind. =) I don't own the copyrights to this song, and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WAFOIGx104&feature=related

My days are never free now. =( This is terrible. And while everyone's marks are improving by leaps and bounds, mine are stagnating or dropping, which is awesomely disastrous.

I realise that I shouldn't be wasting time blogging when time is currently so infinitely precious its supply elasticity curve is like vertical or something. HAIZ. And we're getting back my fail econs tomorrow. I'm so, so screwed.

Wish me luck that I'll survive. =(

Historia (opening theme) - Kajiura Yuki

2010-07-16T20:58:00.002+08:00

Fuddy-duddy doo I've decided that I don't want to turn 17 any more. =)

So many nice things happened when I was 16. =) Made a lot of new friends. Did pretty well for EOYs. Went and did a bunch of crazy things I'd never have done. I'll really miss being 16.

I can't see what being 17 will result in. I want to stay 16 so that I can at least act immature and stuff, and have a reason to do so. I don't wanna grow up too fast. Sometimes I'm like a little old adult, sometimes I'm back to the kiddy me.

It's about exactly one week to my birthday, and I don't want it to come.

This is such an emo post. -.- hahahahaha =)

Today's song! =) I don't own the copyrights to this song, and neither am I earning/attempting to earn any money by doing this! If I'm not wrong it should be sung by Kalafina. =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qb2xXQQqQE

Sore ga ai deshou - Shimokawa Mikuni

2010-07-15T22:42:00.002+08:00

I actually found this song by googling =) Anyway, I don't own the copyrights to this song, and neither am I attempting to earn any money/earning any money by doing this! =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56-DPGmDT8A

HAHA after I admitted that to someone that I'm a stalker (and as yun would say, then you're a leaf. haha =) I'm an awesome stalker, seriously. =) How else would I know all about your primary school gatherings hmm? =) Maybe marshy and HY and N and Chloe-doey will kill me here) and then ahem anyway I found out about the existence of more stalkers, so I shall be careful about what I say on my blog. =) But anyway haha if you do read this lol stop being a stalker (!) and it was nice talking to you again. =)

And then I found out something rather amusing and which makes me less embarrassed of my sabbatical now hahaha. =) If I didn't get my first choice (which is full, by the way, so I must have had good luck in balloting, I guess), I would have been in the same sabbatical as two other people whom I know but are not very close to and see on a daily basis, which would really have made things weird haha. =) Instead, for the sabbatical that I got, I know two other people whom I am much closer to, so I anticipate more fun. =) Yay can't wait for sabbats! =) and for promos to be over, of course.

DRD2 gave me a headache I never want to experience again. =( And no, it's not some game or something. It's a dopamine receptor gene.

What else...YUN I LOVE YOU =) you're so cute playing purble place!! =) I sang Christmas songs during the break we had during econs lecture, and Z stared at me weirdly HAHA =) surprisingly the people behind me didn't say anything, though I'm quite sure that I wasn't singing that softly haha. =)

Okay too sleep gtg! =) bye bye!

This Song - 2AM

2010-07-11T22:26:00.002+08:00

Cos yunnie said that she loves me lots so this song is for her haha =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8XxXAACG7w

The funny thing is that the day after I blogged about not talking to some people I know, one of them asked me a question the next day haha. =) Even though I answered the question not-to-the-point and all, it was still really nice to talk to one of the people whom I don't really talk to. I'm still a bit weird with another one whom I used to chat with quite a lot...seems like we're ignoring each other when we actually aren't. Maybe it's cos we're too different to get along. Oh well. =( Hope it gets better eventually!

Toodledees what else...I should really be doing my homework. Oops. =D

I forgot what I wanted to write about. =( OH I just remembered haha! Sabbatical choices! In order to lose weight that I desperately need to use, I decided to pick non-violent but still physical activity related sabbaticals, so I picked everything with hip hop in it and street jazz. After fac dance practice I realised that I really like dancing. =) When I was younger I wanted to be a singer and a dancer or something...and until now music's the only thing that I'm willing to practice over and over again to get it perfectly right. I think it's my arts side showing. O_O Though I'm in the science stream and all...and supposedly better at science than arts.

Sometimes I feel lonely for no reason...like now, even though I'm instant messaging my friend and she's replying pretty fast =) Seeing all the comments on the CCA group photo we took last Friday over at my secondary school makes me really miss my juniors...helming a CCA now in JC isn't as fun as it was last time (but I never thought it was fun. I accepted all the responsibilities that came with it, and thank god I have HM. HM I LOVE YOU!!). Maybe it's because we're not as close as we used to be, and so I don't really get high with them. I was super high last Friday and scared Chloe-doey and HM haha.

I think results are coming back next week...really not looking forward to it at all. =( Probably failed 5 out of 5 subjects, and that's the only thing I'll get full marks in.

Okay, better go now. =) Bye bye! I guess I'll see you in school tomorrow, if you aren't too sleepy from watching soccer. And YUN I LOVE YOU TOOOOO!!! =)

Gimme the light - 2PM

2010-07-08T20:17:00.003+08:00

Haha the song is for my classmates who love them hahahahaha =) I shall take turns to make everyone happy =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CCyYqs8T-o

Hmm what to talk about...blocks were a total disaster. When Chloe-doey and I went back to visit teachers today, and I told them about our awesome chemistry average, they had that shocked look for one second and then they got that 'knowing' look, assuring us that it's like that and that we'll eventually do better. =) I do hope so. I don't wanna continue failing chemistry.

What else...you all must support me and my CCA okay! =) My 3' CCA stem whoo! =) that serves as a binding site for a specific amino acid...haha kidding. =) I remember too much bio stuff after blocks now. So sad. =(

Kind of tired so I won't post much...my mochi-making was a total failure even though Chloe-doey was around and being my total saviour...thank you chloe-doey I love you lots! =)

Shall end here for now. =) If you love me lots I'll update more later. =) I own everything, after all.

Haha hi I'm back. I remembered something I'd like to talk about. Even though I can only recall one person I've treated this way (and it's not on purpose!), I'd still like to apologise to everyone I might have hurt. I don't mean to ignore you, and it's kind of weird how we don't talk to each other at all in school, though we see each other all the time o.o and I think it's because of me that I've made the atmosphere so weird cos we're two really talkative people who don't talk to each other =( We used to talk quite a lot before June hols...I wonder if the holidays can really separate people. But I'm still in touch with close friends like thirteeners, and I became a lot closer to some of them over the holidays...I feel so sad. =(

Forever - SNSD

2010-05-24T19:44:00.003+08:00

I actually have a LOT of work to do, but it's because people are pissing me off (I'm sorry for the crude language; I'm normally much more polite and censored than this) that I'm blogging. I don't get it, seriously. Clairebear told me not to like take everything upon myself again, but how can I not, when other people are proving themselves to be excellently irresponsible? It's not as if I have very high expectations of them, like I used to have of the other thirteeners. I'm just asking for you to think about ideas for now so that the discussion later will be more efficient, but you tell me "can you relax"?! SERIOUSLY. I DON'T BLOODY CARE WHETHER YOU WERE JOKING OR NOT, BUT CAN YOU AT LEAST TAKE IT MORE SERIOUSLY? WTH.

Okay now that I've cooled down, I feel quite silly, but I'm still not going to delete that paragraph because I am still a little pissed off at you. You know who you are. Seriously.

To the rest, I love you all so muchhhhhhhhh. For like messaging me on live messenger when I'm zi4 bao4 zi4 qi4-ing and making me smile with the super funny typos and the random messages and declarations of love and whatnots.

Okay...that was like the leftover of a pretty old post hahaha.

Today's! =) had lots of fun cooking takoyaki yesterday together with the rest of the CCA...felt a bit weird being pointed out to other people when people were asking who the new ********* is...didn't want to raise my hand and say it's me cos it really felt super weird...but yeah, most of the seniors were super nice and answered for me =) =) =) thank you seniors!

Mm today was a really awesome day in a way. =) I got back two tests, and did quite okay for both even though I didn't put in as much effort as I did last time (and last time was like total fail marks that came back to me)...I know that it's not fair to other people so I shan't mention much about it. =) Anyway the super duper nice nice highlight of today was when I met Marshy and Clairebear and Chels after school and we just sat around at my class bench and played and talked rubbish and basically wasted our time away haha =)

So here's today's song! =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning money by doing this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiRcvzdYbH4