You know, when you tell other people that their self-degrading and derogatory comments are utter rubbish, do you really mean it? Or are you just saying it because well, you're supposed to? Are they themselves even saying it to sound humble? o.o So many things to ponder over. I really really do mean it about all the doors being shut when my A level results come out. o.o 

When I say that I don't want to be hurt any more, it means that I want to start protecting myself now. I used to do all sorts of things for my friends. I really willingly gave all I could, to the point that I started sacrificing (how I hate that word, actually) my own happiness to grant others'. Of course, my happiness is built on others', so in a way, I do actually earn it back. But still. Remember last year, when I said that I don't trust people any more? It's because I got hurt by them one too many times, even by my own family members. I admit that I'm someone who really needs attention. I need attention from other people. God (as a method in writing?), I even do silly things to get people's attention. Things like scratching myself (though I do it partly to relieve pain, ironically), making stupid depressed posts on my blog (though most of the time I really am upset)...just to see if anyone cares. And if one person, any one person in this whole wide world, does notice, then that's enough for me. =) 

Today, I (childishly?) ignored someone. Later, I regretted it and apologised. We started to quarrel (I really, really don't like quarrelling.). Since it was my fault, and I didn't want the conflict to escalate further, I decided to call instead. We talked it over, clarified matters and cleared things up. I guess we're friends again. ^^ Are you happy that you're considered an important friend to me? Haha. 

I'm someone who holds grudges, so if you offended me, I'm likely to be irritated/mad at you for a while (at least a day). I don't think there's anyone out there who will actually be worried that I'm mad at you (is there? o.o) but anyway, you really don't have to care about it. If I like you (and of course I like all of my friends), it'll blow over really soon, because I tend to forgive easily too. (which is how I get tricked over and over)

Anyway, I'm starting work tomorrow. Wish me good luck! =) 

And then, I dunno if you still read my blog! (I wonder if you know who the you is referring to o.o). If you do read my blog, you'll know that I do go through kind of many ups and downs. I can be euphoric one post and emo the other. While I don't have the kind of determination you have, I...do do stuff too. I know it's wrong and I still do it. -.- It's supposed to be done secretly but I broadcasted it on my blog instead. -.- I'm a fail emo person. But anyway! Confessing it actually made me realise that people care, and helped me to figure out the real real real reason why I do this kind of thing (cos I crave attention and want to know that people care about me). So it's normal to feel inferior about yourself. I have a self-esteem problem too. I don't trust my own decisions (maybe I want to push the blame to others HAHA). I always think other people are better. But trust in our wise Marshy, who told me to love myself, and so I'll pass these wise words on to you too! Each person's idea of goodness is different. Just know that you have lots of it, and you'll be fine. You're perfect the way you are. =) Don't conform to society's warped ideals. 

Unfortunately, I think I can't promise to stop hurting myself. I can cut down, definitely, but not stop completely. It's really a non-dangerous way to relieve stress, stress that would otherwise build up and cause me to explode. I've stopped thinking of committing suicide (the last time I thought it was during chu er...when the horrible incident happened). It's the only way I can get rid of pain, ironic though it might seem. 

Is that why you do it too? Inflict pain on yourself even though you know it's wrong? Because you want to mask another pain? 

I feel the same way. 

Here's today's song! I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSPSfgcqhk8&feature=related

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Update (since it's today)! I screwed up my interview so I probably won't get in anyway. Competition is quite fierce. I'm quite upset and depressed about it so don't ask me about it okay. Thanks. =)

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LOL it's another day and I forgot about this draft so lemme finish it off. =) I actually cut off a whole three paragraphs off this draft post because...I was mistaken lol. =) So let's just end it here~

YAY ME GOING OUT WITH MARSHY TOMORROW! BWAHAHAHA. YAY~ =)

I'll put off registering for dance classes until I finalise my job (or no job lol). Me + dance = major disaster = falling down = breaking bones = ? I'll leave it up to your imagination. The last time I danced was during sabbats in J1 and I stupidly wore shorts plus the dance studio was cold so my legs kept cramping up lol. -.- Not a fun experience to say the least.

To all the people who love me AHHHH I LOVE YOU TOO * HUGS HUGS HUGS*. I think this is an after-effect from playing around with my brother too much. He spammed my whatsapp with 100 over messages -.- On the bright side I can really feel us getting closer recently (maybe from staying at home with each other so much) but ahhh I'm really happy~ I'm getting more and more distant from my older brother though...so it's nice to know that I still have a little brother. I'm trying to get used to the fact that my ob is dating and that one day he'll get married and maybe he'll move into his own home and I won't see him so much any more. Or if his wife moves in then...anyway same thing! He won't be so much of my brother any more; he'll be his wife's husband. =) Haha. But like my mum often reminds us, it's his wife who'll be with him until the end, not us, so they should be closer to each other. =) I'm getting used to that idea (despite the fact that I still strongly believe I won't marry anyone because I can't fanthom the thought of ever liking someone that much...Chloe-doey says it's just not time yet.).

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LOL now it's like Thursday and I still haven't posted up this ancient draft. -.- I'm a failure. haiz.

I realise that I've been focusing a lot about me. My whole blog is about me. Then today, I sort of discovered something that I completely didn't really know about (what I knew was the tip of the iceberg) and now I just feel really really guilty. =( I know life is not about me only, and although it may not seem so, I really do care about others (more than they care about me sometimes, in my opinion).

Anyway I've made a promise to myself to be more observant of others around me, and to take even better care of them. It hurts me too when they're hurting yourself (is this how Marshy and yun feel when I hurt myself? I wonder).

I know that people around me care about me. ^^ Yun didn't allow me to use degrading words during dinner and a certain someone (who ah -.-) kept disturbing me by stealing my bag and stuff when I was being quiet (I'm being nice and assuming that you were trying to entertain me rather than bully me okay). And for anyone who does care (lol; I'm not being sarcastic!), I realised today that I think I'm actually getting better. =) I haven't touched my badge in ages (or my toothpaste tube or anything sharp) and I haven't really broken down a lot lately. I guess Marshy's advice about loving myself is working. ^^ I'm kind of glad. =)

I don't know how to let others know that...I know. I know exactly how they feel. I've been through enough in my sheltered life, somehow. I fake a lot (but not to everyone, because I'm not strong enough to do that). And with what limited things I know, I'd really like to help others who felt the same way. >-<

Anyway, here's today's song! =) It's by MBLAQ, so Clairey-beary-sitting-on-a-fairy =) should like it, I think. =) I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bsiv1mo0HTQ

And if I don't get off the computer soon I bet she'll turn on me next eeks. 

So here's today's song and I don't own the copyrights to this song and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money from this! It may be SNSD again but it's Japanese this time and although I don't really know what they're singing about (my lack of knowledge of the language I guess), it's still a pretty song and they sang quite well. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xw0foIiqBBM

Let's continue now...

If someone asks for your help (well, even if you offered it) and you do actually help, then that someone should thank you right. -.- Hmph.

I'm really very scared now. It's in two months, but I'm still very scared. Haiz. 

It's only been five days into the new year but I'm already going nuts (and not in a good way). I thought 2012 would/might get off to a good start, as indicated by the end of 2011 whereby there were actually some rather pleasant surprises. But I guess everything bad in 2011 just kept accumulating...and became too much to bear in 2012. Like I told Marshy, I spent the first night of 2012 locked in my own room (I locked myself in haha) crying. It's not something I'm proud of (I'm not posting it here just so that people will know about it and pity me); I'm just saying it because it's a fact. 

With Marshy's advice (to learn to love myself more) and the random solo trips I've been taking (window-shopping and buying small stuff), I've sort of let off more steam and de-stressed a little. A little. I might need at least 5 trips a week to keep my mental mood in check. Argh. And with adult fare, this is becoming quite pricey. =( 

I realise that in order to protect myself, I've become more annoying (because people annoy me). Omg. I hope I don't become like them. That would be terrible. 

I'm saying this way in advance, but when our A level results come out, don't ask me what I got, okay? I'll tell you...eventually, when I get enough courage to, because I know they won't be good. (Don't ask me how I know - it's obvious that I won't do well when I screwed up the papers.) 

I dunno. If I really don't do well at all...(less than 3As)...let's leave it at that. I'm not sure if I have enough courage (I really think it's courage though some people would rather term it as foolishness) to do something silly, seeing as how I'm too scared to even cut myself. 

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It's another day! =)

Today...I had fun with N, Chloe-doey and HM... =) haha =) thanks for towing me around and helping me to not fall...the number of close (ice) shaves I had >-< and near heart-attacks...haha =) Sorry I made the outing end early >-<

I had a very long (the whole day!) SMS convo with a friend....I think it's the first time we've smsed each other so long in a row (60 plus messages). Sometimes we don't even sms at all...and sometimes we reply once a day lol. =) I guess it's an indication that our friendship is still going strong? I'm kinda glad about that. =)

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AND it's ANOTHER day LOL.

Marshy says I haven't been blogging so I rustled up a song so that I can post this.

I slacked around today and ate fast food for lunch AGAIN =( (mum bought back). I'm really gonna turn into a fat piggy (and Marshy would say sow -.-).

Talked to Claire-bear today! =) <3 <3 <3

I feel like going out tomorrow~ I suppose you can tell that I'm in a relatively good mood today. =) I'm happy about that too. It's hard not to get emo.

Here's today's song! =) A bright and happy-ish song! =) I'll fix the tagboard too once I've posted.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNrsJzsN6hg

Oh I've talked about that kind of friendship before with my 'brother'...J I think! It was you right! Yes I'm quite sure it is. Teehee. I suppose the ultimate determining factor is how important that friendship is to you. If it's important, I guess you'll keep it going no matter what you have to do. If it's not so important, you'll probably let it sink and fade. Then again, each side has different opinions. Like A may think B is an important, beloved, treasured, priceless friend, while B may just find A to be any ordinary friend. So while A may do his/her best to upkeep everything, B's not gonna bother at all. This is an example of an extreme case. Bleh. Why am I thinking about this, really? Lol. 

I suddenly decided it was time to think about uni admissions so I checked out NUS' website and bugged my ob for info (ob = older brother, yb = younger brother if I ever mention it). NUS' applications start 3 days after A level results are out. 

My mum just yelled at me to clean up my room...stuff keeps accumulating because my yb (aha) refuses to take any of my old stuff and my ob just keeps dumping stuff on me. Since my room's the smallest, it naturally looks the messiest and most packed. Tadah! It becomes my fault again. Fine, since everything's my fault, I've reconsidered my initial decision. I wanted to stay at home tomorrow, actually. Just because you yelled at me, I'm going to disappear tomorrow. I've given you ample hints and warnings already anyway. What you do after I'm gone is none of my business. I need some time alone - some time to regain my self-esteem and find my self-worth. I'm not going to be reduced to a pile of trash just because of your remarks. I refuse to be. 

I actually wrote a huge chunk about my past here...but deleted it because I think it's too personal to be put online. I'll tell you about it someday. =) 

And with that, I'll end my entry with the usual song. I don't own the copyrights to this song, and neither ma I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! Ooh I just found out that I posted a piano cover of this before...but now it's live! =)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jb_WrCO42k

Marshy said she was glad she went to prom with me...I asked her what if I wasn't glad that I went...lol. But anyway...although it was really boring (you have to admit that it was!), I'm glad that I chose to sit at Marshy's table and had lots of fun with QL by being fussy eaters (heheheh). I just wish we'd taken more photos. Heheh. =) And I kind of regret not bringing my camera! Oh well. 

I keep smelling the icky stink of makeup even though I'm quite sure I've removed most of it. =( It's like how I kept smelling smoke even after I'd bathed after chalet. Hmm. 

I socialised...quite a bit. And it was nice to see people whom I haven't seen in a long time...and see how many of them dyed their hair O.O I think more guys dyed their hair than girls...is it a kind of rebellion against NS? Haha. =) So many...blond-ish people last night...lol. Since as someone told me, they'll leave it dyed as all their hair will get shaved off anyway o.o 

And now it's morning and I'm awake and sore throat-ish. =(  

Okay now it's afternoon and I wrote the post last night (okay, early morning today) and I still haven't posted it up. I think the only people who read my blog are Marshy and Yun, and sometimes Claire-bear haha. =) 

Marshy said that her mum said that I was pretty...someone else said that I was pretty too (indirectly lol)...then I started wondering if it's just the makeup o.o Haha. Dunno! I really don't like the smell of it and taking it off is hard...I think I'll stick to powder foundation rather than liquid even though it apparently provides better coverage and whatnot. And maybe it's contacts! Though they're a pain too (QL would agree). But since I already have a pair of contacts and I think I'm getting better at sticking them in my eyes and taking them off, I might wear them more often. =) 

I'm listening to so many pretty piano versions of songs on Youtube...I miss my piano~ will it be repaired soon? =( sigh. 

I think I'll post up one of the pretty piano versions...heheh. =) 

I guess I will sort of miss those people who fly overseas (Marshy? Will you? =( Yun too right? And all the other thirteeners who aren't staying in SG...). Will you still remember us? Will you still talk to us as often? Will we still have that place in your heart? More importantly, you'll come back, right? These are some questions I ponder over sometimes. 

People send mixed signals (I do too...though I think I'm fairly obvious most of the time). So I shall set up the general cheryl's code of conduct and how to interpret my current feelings through SMSes and instant messages! =) This is so egoistic but who cares! =) 

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It's another day HAHA. I have no idea how many days later.

I'm really really really regretting going to prom because omgzz how much money have I wasted on prom??? >-< Also, it's very stressful cos I think it's only worth spending all this money on me if I actually do do well for As which I might not considering how much I screwed up bio (paper 1 and 2 OMG) and econs (OMG ONE WHOLE CASE STUDY and HALF AN ESSAY) so I may not even get 3 As and a B like what my brother got (OMGGG THEN WHERE WILL I GO!!!) and I seriously think my parents will kill me for wasting so much money and NOT doing well (OMGGGG). I feel terribly guilty OMG. ARGH.

And I was too lazy to put eye drops before I removed my contacts and I think my eyes were too dry...so I couldn't get the right contact out for a long while and after multiple tries when I finally did get it out my right eye turned super red...wonder if it's better now...

OMG SOMEONE KILL ME NOW.

I don't own the copyrights to this song, and neither am I attempting to earn/earning any money by doing this! I think I actually posted something similar to this before...and I actually played this on the piano before o.o something similar. But it's so pretty anyway so who cares! =)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nt47pHtq66U&feature=related